Catching up with our favorite trainwreck in the making.
It’s been over a month since I last posted about our favorite Lohan doppelganger, so I figured I owe you kids an update on all of her recent messiness.
Last time we checked up on LIT, she was packing on the PDA with Tyler Posey and posing for Playboy. Since then she’s stayed relatively quiet, unfortunately.
First thing’s first, her relationship with mommy dearest is still pretty much nonexistent. On Tamara’s birthday, Bella& Dani’s social media feeds remained oblivious to the special day. Instead, the duo shared snaps of them posing together in… the usual attire:
But later that night they showed off some new looks - at the American Music Awards!
That’s glitter in B’s hair, not dandruff.
Hahahahaha that’s glitter you weirdo https://t.co/6hkXIHnJiS
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) November 21, 2016
Anyways, they turned the obnoxiousness up to the max and fed into our secondhand embarrassment:
I’ll give Dani a little credit, Aliana never even displayed a fraction of that enthusiasm in her entire life.
And I almost forgot to mention, LIT’s recent hair change also coincided with another celebrity makeover:
She makes it too easy.
~LIT’S EX-BOYFRIEND~
When B kicked Gregg to the curb, I thought I would never have to include him in one of these posts again - I was wrong.
Ever since Gregg split with B, and Cameron Fuller escaped Nicola Pillz’s billion-dollar dungeon, the two have reignited their one-time bromance & now they’re doing cringeworthy YouTube videos together:
Tragic.
~NICOLA PILLZ~
Last time we caught up with our favorite nanny-slapping billionheiress, she was doing nothing with her life - and since then nothing has changed!
Instead of doing that acting thing she sometimes does, she’s been plumping up her lips!
And aside from weekly visits to Dr. 90210, Pillz has also been keeping busy with her new BFF - Sofia Richie!
Just as I had predicted Pillz was the new Parasite Hilton, it seems she’s found her Nicole (Albeit totally low-rent and not even remotely as interesting)!
And here’s where things get even funnier, remember how Sofia was prancing around Hollywood with Parasite a month ago? Well, the two are back at it - and even hosted a joint club night together at L.A.’s 1Oak:
A source who attended the shindig told me, though, that while Sofia (& Pillz) was there all night, Parasite showed up with less than an hour left to do her best Jazzy Jeff impression.
Also spotted at the party? Onch from Paris Hilton’s My New BFF!
But get this, he wasn’t even VIP - he literally just waited to see Parasite amongst the masses. This hungry tiger needs to give it a rest!
~LIT’S FRIENDS~
Each passing post the drug buddies seem to get more & more uninteresting, and tonight’s roundup is no exception. First off, Kyra Ketamine is being shipped off to a boarding school in Italy on daddy’s orders (via Page Six):
Kyra Kennedy — wild-child daughter of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — disappeared from the limelight this past spring when her family sent her off to a strict boarding school in Italy, sources say. “She was really having a tough time, partying a lot,” one family friend told me.“She had a lot of emotional issues and she wasn’t going to class,” another friend said. “Bobby cut her off because she wasn’t going to school. She had no money, and nowhere to live.” Sources say her father arranged for her to go to Italy. “It’s a very strict therapeutic school, with no Internet, no phones. The only communication is by mail,” said my source. “They teach you a trade, so when you come out, you can get a job.”
What a loss! Now she won’t be able to cyberbully journalists anymore. I’m sure the self-proclaimed “male Blair Waldorf” Andrew Warren is a bit relieved, though, since now he no longer needs to give her shelter while she’s coked-up & skipping class.
Speaking of Andrew, he’s been vocal this past month in defense of his longtime pal busted Cat Marnell:
Touching, I’m sure Tiffany is really torn up right now - oh wait, this is exactly what she wanted. Remember how she was bragging about her white trash family winning this scam months ago? I’ll save my sympathy for someone that deserves it, Andrew. Oh, and I’m sure the reason you’re not sharing your “political views” is because you don’t want another visit from the Secret Service - since apparently posting about killing someone is only shitty when it’s about a Trump. The cognitive dissonance is strong in this one.
In other drug buddy news, the Incest Bros. (#allegedly) Harry& Peter Brant have remained just as lifeless and boring as always.
Peter’s also been hanging with the forgotten Lohan (It’s Ali, in case you forgot her name like most of the world - including Dina):
The only slightly interesting news to report is that apparently Harry overdosed at a club in Manhattan last month - my source is unreliable, though (and equally as cracked out, so maybe he saw a mirage of Harry on a stretcher or something after a drug binge), so take it with a grain of blow. Either way, Harry still made a quick recovery & seemed to be in high spirits in some post-hospital family outings:
Moving on, Gaia Matisse is still doing… whatever she does? I don’t know. She partied with Parasite at Art Basel:
Also she follows me on Instagram now. Maybe she reads these posts? Probably. Anyways, DM me sometime, Gaia! We can talk shit about Andrew, or I can coach you on your acting career that hasn’t been working out - if I can make people care about Bella-Fucking-Thorne of all people, I can make anything happen.
Anyways, Barron Hilton still seems to be doing nothing of importance:
And Mini-Mary Kay Letourneau still creeps me out:
Rumor has it she & Jaden Smith are dunzo. If that’s true, it’s probably the smartest decision he’s ever made. I hope he runs far… far away, and never looks back.
Finally, Cazzie David still seems to be going strong with that SNL guy Pete Davidson:
Hopefully he’ll rip a page from the Smith playbook soon and make a run for it. Anyways, that’s it for this edition of the Lilo in Training saga!
