A breakup, a hookup, and boots at the beach - Plus: A look back at Lilo In Training’s wildest moments!
Two Lilo in Training posts in a month? I know, it’s a Christmas miracle! I just couldn’t resist talking about her recent antics these past few weeks, so where do we start?
Okay, so in the last post we were kinda iffy on the relationship status between B and her Z-list MTV boyfriend Tyler Posey. Their PDA had cooled down so there was a chance they were dunzo, but usually when something major happens in La Vida LIT she takes to Twitter to document it, and with no melodramatic tweets the past month we had nothing to work with.
Well, after some patient waiting we finally got our answer. The buzz around town is that B & Posey split the same day she moved into his house back in October, but this version of events is as false as Alexis Neiers’ 6-inch Louboutins… according to LIT, of course:
Haha yeah and me and ty never lived together… We just were always together… Rumors rumors can’t always believe the media https://t.co/31QOpA0lWA
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) December 22, 2016
With that theory out the window, all B left us with was a cryptic tweet about needing some “alone” time:
I love you but I need another year alone
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) December 17, 2016
So the next day she popped up in Miami with her rebound: Charlie Puth!
After serving some dollar store Brit Brit& Colin Farrell at iHeartRadio’s Jingle Ball, the two wandered onto the beach to pack on PDA for the paparazzi:
And pull a few Tara Reid’s in the process:
It seems her friendship with Speidi has inspired her to marathon The Hills& help her finally find a style guru in the man-so-great-he-needed-two-names, Justin Bobby.
I know you don’t want to call that your girlfriend, Charlie (Let’s be real, she’s bearding).
But there’s a twist - apparently Tyler didn’t know his fling with B was even over… until he saw the cringeworthy Charlie/LIT pap stroll:
I’m sorry….You know who you are.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
I messed a lot of things up, I get it if we can’t be friends….you know who you are.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
But if you could just come to your senses…you know who you are.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
I can’t believe what I’m reading.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
No one should have their heart messed with like this, and I’m not going to be in the middle of it.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
I don’t know Tyler personally, but I know he shouldn’t be treated this way.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
She told me she was not with him anymore. This is all news to me. https://t.co/Q0Pw1KkBbs
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
I want nothing but peace for all, I’m just removing myself from this.
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) December 22, 2016
So to sum this all up: LIT told Charlie that she was no longer with Tyler, meanwhile Tyler thought he was still with LIT? I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.
But within an hour of Charlie’s embarrassing Twitter tirade that read more like my passive aggressive 7th grade AIM away messages, LIT fired back with a different story:
Ty and I have been broken up for like over two weeks and charlie and I ARENT DATING we are friends. That article was written forever ago.
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) December 22, 2016
And while all of this was going down, LIT’s other Z-list MTV star ex-boyfriend Gregg Sulkin shared his thoughts on Twitter:
No comment.
— Gregg Sulkin (@greggsulkin) December 20, 2016
This isn’t the first time B’s pulled a stunt like this, though. Remember when she was romantically hopping fences with Pam Anderson’s son Brandon Lee back in 2015?
And then basically confirmed they were dating a couple of weeks later?
Only to be spotted locking lips with Ryan Nassif at a Lakers game a few days later?
And then be pap’d arm in arm with Tyler Posey within a couple of weeks?
This Charlie/Tyler drama is just a rehashing of LIT’s old tricks. Tyler’s been the other guy before, so he shouldn’t be surprised now! This is B’s world & we’re all just living in it.
Funnily enough, this recent bout of probably-staged LIT drama has seemingly transfixed the Twitterverse (Inspiring a #BellaThorneIsOverParty - trust me, she’s just getting started!), and the story even reached one of my favorite gossip sites - Dlisted.com - where Michael K. acknowledged PCD2009’s in-depth Bella coverage:
As a longtime reader & frequent user of “Wonky McValtrex,” I feel honored. After all these months of posting about LIT, it seems as if she is actually becoming relevant in some capacity outside of my blog. I feel like my life is Jawbreaker, I’m Courtney Shayne and B is Fern (now Vylette)!
In other Lilo in Training news, Celebuzz shared some pictures of her new $2,000,000 pad in Sherman Oaks where she had that drug-filled 19th birthday bash a couple of months ago (Remember, with the cute pot leaf cake?):
“Thorne’s new purchase is a 4,500-square-foot, six-bedroom, six-bathroom spread featuring everything a rising star could want, including a built-in coffee machine, a full-service barbecue bar, spa and a top-of-the-line security system, according to Trulia.”
B also issued a message to her many #haterzzzz in a recent interview with Maxim:
“I used to be upset when I would see the comments, but I’ve started to realize that they may be going out of their way to make people feel bad about themselves because they have their own insecurities. Sometimes I just want to say, ‘Fuck 'em, get off my socials, dawg.’”
You sure told 'em, LIT!
Finally, let’s take a peek at some of the #dirt you guys have sent in the past couple of weeks!
1).
“A friend of mine worked as an extra on Bella Thorne’s new show, Famous in Love. Apparently she was awful, a huge diva. My friend kept telling me she was gross and she always seemed on coke.” - Anonymous
2).
“I work in a store located in Hollywood, Bella Thorne came in my store and she smelled like shit - plus she was loud as fuck. She was there with a brown haired boy, possibly her boyfriend.” - Anonymous
3).
“Look into LIT’s prior drama with the singer, Pia Mia. Long story short, LIT and Pia were best friends. Pia dated LIT’s brother, Remy. They break up and the Thorne family launches a Twitter smear campaign saying Pia used them for fame (which isn’t exactly false - Pia & her mom used the Kris Jenner strategy of making sure she befriended the right people). The most bizarre part of the Thorne campaign against Pia Mia was when Remy Thorne’s new girlfriend (LIT’s kissing partner years later), Bella Pendergast, posted a screenshot of Pia calling BP out & saying really angry stuff (it’s still online). Pia fired back saying that LIT’s mom, Tamara Thorne actually wrote that nasty note to help Pia at the time. Honestly, if you read the message it does sound like the language an angry 40-50 y/o woman would use. Anyway, Pia Mia actually tried to ignore most of the hate she got after the Thorne family sicced their loyal fans on her. Pia finally fired back after another confrontation with the Thorne family at a Krav Maga gym. She tweeted how the Thornes harassed her after the breakup and actually references her confrontation with an 'ex’ and a 'crazy family’ cornering her in interviews years later.” - Anonymous
I did a quick Google search for this ~scandalous~ message and came across this:
I guess we see where LIT got her penchant for cyberbullying from! I’ll leave you guys with a recent tabloid article PCD2009 reader ultratrashmonster sent in:
We did it kids!
~NICOLA PILLZ~
While LIT’s been keeping busy in Miami, Nicola Pillz has retreated to her family’s Palm Beach fortress with new BFF Sofia Richie to plan their cheap reboot of The Simple Life& think of creative ways to abuse the help.
Parasite Hilton is quivering in her size 11 Manolo’s.
And some bonus pictures to make you feel poor:
Get away pic.twitter.com/PZiv9ASR0y
— Sofia Richie (@sofiarichie) December 18, 2016
Oh, before I forget - Sofia did an interview with Wonderland this month where she talks about how Parasite is guiding her/sucking the life out of her “like a sister"… all the while she doesn’t say a peep about her own sister:
”It’s really nice to have her kind of, as like a sister, because she’s been through it all! She gives the best advice and she wants the best for me and she sees how my path is going. She’s really rooting for me and giving me the best tips, how to avoid certain things and how to be the best version of myself that I can be.“
I know Nicole spent most of the mid-00s cracked out and throwing down with Rachel Zoe, but trust me Sofia, Paris is not the person you want to get advice from unless you want to end up like Kimberly Stewart, who is so irrelevant people don’t even know your sister & Parasite are shit talking her in this Gif:
Sofia, take my word for it and run!
In other news, Sofia & Pillz added a new face to their posse recently - the kid that played Rico on Hannah Montana:
I’m not sure what’s stranger - the fact he’s there… with them? Or the fact he’s wearing Mini-Mary Kay Letourneau’s mugshot:
These kids confuse me.
~LIT’S FRIENDS~
Since the last update, most of the buddies have flown to opposite corners of the planet to do massive amounts of blow in the spirit of the holidays. Gaia Matisse is in Paris, the Brants are in St. Barts, and the ringleader Andrew Warren is staying nice & cozy in Manhattan where he’s reunited with Abigail Breslin:
And, funnily enough, Andrew followed my Instagram after the last Lilo in Training post & took the time to message me his appreciation for Nikki Blonsky. Hopefully that means he’ll start sending in anonymous tips on his frenemies so I can start adding more shit to this section - things have been boring for far too long!
And while the Incest Bros. (#allegedly) Harry& Peter Brant have shied away from the ER this past month, their super-trainwreck mother Stephanie Seymour’s resurfaced and looks… better than usual… well, for her at least:
I’ll keep that kid in my prayers, but it’s probably too late.
Finally, Mini-Mary Kay Letourneau has switched up her look a bit since her split with Jaden Smith:
Thoughts? I think it makes her look slightly less insane - although that dead-eyed sociopathic stare is still intact.
~LILO IN TRAINING’S WILDEST MOMENTS~
In the spirit of the holidays, and LIT’s recent bout of attention, I thought it would be fun to include a list of some of her best moments from the past year-and-a-half - almost like those E! and VH1 countdowns I used to watch religiously of crazy celebrity moments that always ended with Michael Jackson dangling Blanket over a hotel balcony as number one, so let’s get started!
1 Night In Paris
Parasite Hilton likes 'em young, take a 15-year-old Hayden Panettiere for example, and despite the fact P’s now nearing 40, she still likes to kick it with troubled teens!
@BellaThorne, yes so much fun! 👯 You looked beautiful last night! See you soon babe💋
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) September 27, 2015
At just 17-years-old, B was given the coveted invite to Parasite’s ”club room,“ where LIT could grind on a pole a la 2009 Miley Cyrus as Bijou Phillips probably does a few lines off the floor, so B threw together her most provocative ensemble and hitched it out to the Hollywood Hills - just kidding, her mom drove her! Only after taking a few cute snaps of her daughter, of course:
It all starts with the parenting, kids.
You Know What You Did!
Parasite isn’t the only familiar face LIT dug up from tabloids’ past. Shortly before B’s 18th birthday, she struck up a friendship with The Hills’ Heidi Montag& Spencer Pratt!
@bellathorne@heidimontag I knew B was my favorite superstar!!!!
— Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt) September 13, 2015
Heidi even scored an invite to LIT’s 1Oak birthday shindig a few weeks later:
But Spencer’s a bit concerned about the path our favorite trainwreck’s been taking as of late:
@pcd2009@bellathorne nooooo don’t do it gurlllllll stay out of trouble
— Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt) December 22, 2016
Don’t worry Spencer, she still has a long way to go before fully morphing into The Great One.
Also, since I’m friends with Spencer, can I say that B’s my mutual friend now?
Celebrity_Skin.mp3
Parasite & Speidi are far from LIT’s only celeb pals! To ring in 2016, B partied it up at James Franco’s house with none other than the trainwreck-supreme, Courtney Love!
If you want a one-way ticket to Cirque Lodge, Courtney is your first stop.
The New Firecrotch?
It’s hard to believe it’s already been over a year since we were first introduced to LIT’s mystery ”mean girl“ during one of B’s sit-downs with Seventeen. While she shied away from naming names, a little sleuthing led me to discover that her nemesis was none other than one-time actress, full-time billionheiress, and nanny-slapping enthusiast Nicola Peltz!
And while we were fuzzy on the details as to why the girls were embroiled in a Paris/Lindsay style feud, this year we learned that the rift began with LIT screwing Nicola’s boyfriend - in addition to both of her brothers (Okay, only one of the brothers - the other one has a girlfriend so B kept it classy and stuck to sexting him)! The only thing this it-girl tiff needs is a Greasy Bear, any volunteers?
Lying Like Lohan
Like her mentor La Lohan, Lilo in Training loves her fur, but this year her penchant for dead animals got her into some hot water after she was caught lying about whether her favorite coat was faux or the real deal. While she claimed the fur was fake on Instagram -
- a quick search revealed that was not the case!
The product description:
After her lie hit TMZ, B apologized & claimed that the fur was a ”gift“ from a friend… (similar to how the coke-filled jeans Lindsay was wearing during her July 2007 DUI arrest were someone else’s - well, according to Lindsay at least)… and LIT promised she would never wear it again knowing the fur was real! While she did keep her promise, it’s only because she gave the coat to one of her friends to wear instead:
PETA should make LIT their new target!
Accidental Nudes
It’s a cheap stunt, but an effective one! Earlier this year LIT was giving us a makeup tutorial via Snapchat when she conveniently forgot there was a mirror behind her:
A total Lindsay move!
Grinding On Chipmunks
Even a children’s movie premiere isn’t safe from LIT’s hunger for publicity. At the premiere of Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip last December, B gave onlookers quite the show:
Those prudes at the Daily Mail should count their blessings, at least she didn’t pull a Lindsay at the 2006 Kids’ Choice Awards:
The Art Of The Exit
As a lifetime Lohan fan, I’ve watched many of Lindsay’s drunken exits from clubs, yachts, and jail cells, so it was about time that LIT started working on her own stumbling skills. After a party at Beverly Hills’ Palm restaurant earlier this year, B was snapped looking worse for wear while making a getaway:
Even the paparazzi wondered if LIT had a little too much to drink:
She still has a long way to go if she wants to top this, though:
Romantic Gestures
Obnoxious PDA is one of LIT’s specialities - just take a look at any of her many relationships over the past few months for proof, but one of her sweetest moments was when she asked ex-boyfriend Gregg Sulkin to fuck her ass after a screening of a movie she was in.
Young love!
Honorable Mentions:Outing herself via a Twitter account she allegedly set up herself, Getting kicked out of a funeral for dressing too provocatively, Cutting off her stage mom because she didn’t approve of her barely legal relationship, Pretending to be engaged for a day to get a few headlines, Having a meltdown in CVS
The past couple of years have been busy for LIT, so one must ask - what does 2017 hold? A mugshot? A car chase down PCH? A trip to Promises Malibu? The long-awaited Pretty Woman remakeAmy Pascal was pitching with La Lohan as LIT’s sidekick? Who knows, but it’s safe to say B’s only upping the ante and we’re on for a wild ride!
Happy Holidays! And thanks Lilo in Training for keeping things interesting in 2016!