Yep, this is it.
After relentlessly documenting the antics of our beloved Lohan doppelganger for nearly two years, this post will be my final journey into the world of Bella Thorne. I will explain my reasoning for the shock finale towards the end of the post, but in the meantime let’s catch up on everything B’s been up to since we last checked up on her back in December.
In the last post, we were busy trying to wrap our heads around the complex Thorne-Posey-Puth love triangle, and since then B hasn’t slowed down on the Hollywood dating scene… or in her questionable fashion choices.
Amidst the fallout from LIT’s #alleged two-timing ways, former Nickelodeon star Keke Palmer took to Twitter to defend Lohan’s embattled mini-me:
Why couldn’t you have just texted @bellathorne in private if you were confused? The interview is dated. So sorry Bella, ignore 😘 https://t.co/XWPD8sY7hT
— 👑 K e k e 👑 (@KekePalmer) December 22, 2016
So as a gesture of thanks, LIT let Keke stayed glued to her hip during B’s next late-night pap stroll - whilst also debuting a new blue-haired look:
Despite only being 19, LIT knows a thing or two about Tinseltown, and the greatest thing you could give a struggling Y-Lister (I’m being generous) is attention. Moving on, LIT closed out 2016 with a brief reflection on her wild year:
Wow this year was the happiest and saddest of times for me❤️ an emotional-train wreck-clusterfuck #merrychristmas
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) December 25, 2016
And then off she went to the Bahamas alongside big sister/heroin user Dani, onetime Snapchat kissing partner/brother’s ex-girlfriend Alexa Yarnell, and her Famous In Love costar Charlie DePew:
The crack pack was probably the biggest storm to hit the Bahamas since Anna Nicole Smith:
And to ring in 2017, LIT locked lips with yet another gal pal:
Just give us your Samantha Ronson era already, B!
Anyways, to kick off a new year of new scandals, LIT hitched it back to Beverly Hills where she celebrated pal Cade Hudson’s birthday, the same bash she was snapped stumbling out of a year prior:
Time sure does fly!
And while she didn’t seem bleary-eyed this year, she delivered on the scandal front the following week! Surprisingly, LIT managed to ride the first couple of weeks of 2017 without another man by her side. Well, she broke that promising streak when she linked up with YouTuber/rapist/whatever Sam Pepper:
The small portion of the Internet that actually knows who Bella is was sent into a tizzy with her latest romantic conquest, but any longtime Lohan fan knows that this is another one of Lilo’s classic tricks. Remember when La Lohan was best pals with child rapistJeremy Geffen (No relation to David) for a hot second in 2008?
Lest we forget! Moving on, the Pepper publicity stunt lasted a solid day before B moved onto talking about her ex-boyfriend’s dick:
Haha I’m telling you this isn’t greggs dick https://t.co/hPpydgmkS9
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) January 18, 2017
After nude photos leaked, presumed to have been of Gregg Sulkin, LIT took to Twitter to slam the rumors. She finds a way to make everything about herself, it’s admirable. It wasn’t long after, though, that she was spotted strolling around Santa Monica with some supposed musician I’d never heard of before in my life - Josh Golden.
Maybe they were working on B’s blossoming music career:
I need someone dope who can help produce and write some music and also help me cover these songs !!! someone who can be one on one with me
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) January 6, 2017
Yeah I love a lot of rock shit. I’m doing a bit of everything. Gotta dip my hand in all the pots…you feel?;) https://t.co/7Ue6s9wzgj
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) January 13, 2017
See?? #recordingstudiopic.twitter.com/oEKvvR2N40
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) February 1, 2017
Or they could’ve been prepping for her hip-hop classes?
.@BellaThorne is set to coach L.A. fans at a confidence dance class and we have the #exclusive details! https://t.co/H0ZoL1D7MT
— JustJared.com (@JustJared) January 27, 2017
Who knows, or cares, as I blinked a few times and she was already snapped hugging Nat Wolff:
And then for Valentine’s Day she surprised us with yet another (mystery) man:
And most recently she made a few headlines because One Direction fans want to kill her because she liked one of Louis Tomlinson’s tweets:
WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM MY BABY
— Louist91 (@Harax_LS) February 16, 2017
STAY BACK, DON’T YOU DARE I’LL CALL THE POLICE!!#bellathorne#louistomlinson#onedirectionpic.twitter.com/rLjHV9kxh2
Aside from her many men, she’s also been hard at work on her upcoming TV show Famous In Love, she even ditched the horrendous new look she’s been sporting as of late for a temporary reminder of her coked-up redhead glamour girl days:
Welcome to my office 😈 pic.twitter.com/484AuyzRaR
— bella thorne (@bellathorne) February 3, 2017
But it was only for show! On a recent vacation to Mexico she was back to looking absolutely terrible:
Sad. She’s truly a mess, and not a hot one. Her antics earned her a spot in a recent issue of Star, though:
~NICOLA PILLZ~
Last time we caught up with our favorite nanny-slapping billionheiress, she was busy frolicking around Palm Beach with BFF Sofia Richie. Not long after the update, though, she let another famous last name into the fold: Anwar Hadid.
Shortly before Pillz’s 22nd birthday, Sofia shared a picture of her dead-eyed best friend hugging Gigi& Bella Hadid’s equally unfortunate looking brother:
A couple of weeks later, the couple made their debut at Pillz’s tiger-free bash at 1Oak:
First thing’s first, he’s 17. But a five-year age gap is expected, as Pillz is closely following the Parasite Hilton playbook. After all, Starving Nachos couldn’t even legally drink when he first linked up with P’s size 11 feet:
And since the lovebirds made their debut, they’ve continued to display some excessive PDA on Instagram, and Pillz even gushed about her new man to an interviewer at Sundance (Yes, I forgot she’s considered an actress, too): “We’re hanging out. Honestly, he is an angel. He’s such an amazing person.”
Adorable.
Anyways, aside from her new barely legal fling, the trailer for Nicola’s latest project When The Street Lights Go On is now available on the Internet for your viewing pleasure, or disdain - your choice:
I’ll leave you with the InStyle article Pillz has been retweeting once a week for the past month:
13 things to know about our style crush @nicolaannepeltzhttps://t.co/d5ArYRkuQR
— InStyle (@InStyle) January 27, 2017
We get it, Pillz. You’re being talked about on a website that isn’t my blog for once - congrats?
~LIT’S FRIENDS~
Remember when these idiots were somewhat interesting? When they used to do shit like tattle to Page Six about which gay skipped out on the bill at Nobu? Cyberbully writers for The Cut? Threaten to kill the President?
Those days are long gone.
Now the self-proclaimed “male Blair Waldorf” Andrew Warren and his disoriented pack of racist rich brats (Yes, they all are - see if you can guess which one proudly proclaims that they’d “never fuck a black guy”) are more lifeless and scandal-free than ever. Or maybe they aren’t. They probably are overdosing and shouting racial epithets at the help on the weekly, but nobody cares enough to even talk about it anymore. They let their inflated sense of self-importance convince them that maybe, just maybe, they were respectable. Boy, were they off!
Since the last post, they’ve remained as boring as ever. In January, Andrew rang in 24 with some festivities at a hotel run by a guy who tried to light a dog on fire:
Ashley Benson’s wonky face was in attendance (Did you see her face in this picture from Parasite’s birthday party?) - not sure why:
And Little Miss Sunshine, too:
I totally forgot she existed. Apparently she follows me on Instagram. Sad!
Moving on, after sufficiently documenting his birthday fun, he decided to hitch it out to Washington DC to support busted Cat Marnell as she joined the rest of her family for the inaugural white trash pig roast:
Also in attendance? Pillz’s brother Bradley:
After the Inauguration, they all jetted back to New York for fashion week, where Tiffany was left sitting all alone:
Omg pic.twitter.com/h5spQ5WNbE
— bella vita (@drugproblem) February 14, 2017
Tragic, but deserved!
Meanwhile, Gaia Matisse has remained painfully uninteresting, which I’m blaming on the fact she has a boyfriend now:
Barron Hilton wrote & directed a film nobody will watch:
Mini-Mary Kay Letourneau still exists:
So does her frenemy Eileen Kelly:
Sofia Richie continues to have the life sucked out of her:
Peter Brant isn’t dead yet:
And his super-trainwreck mother Stephanie Seymour is designing lingerie now:
Cazzie David, an enthusiast in joking about terrorism, is still dating someone whose father passed away during 9/11:
And Kyra Ketamine is… somewhere, probably suffering from withdrawals due to not being able to call people “fat” on Instagram.
And that, my loyal readers, is the final Lilo in Training update.
I know you’re probably scratching your head as to why I’m closing the book so early on our favorite trainwreck in-the-making. Well, a lot has compelled me to make this final curtain call.
These posts originally started in 2015 after someone I’d spoken to at the time told me a tiny tale about an ex-Disney starlet I hadn’t paid the slightest bit of attention to. The story went that at a fitting for her rich kid BFF’s destined-to-tank clothing line, the blossoming Firecrotch stocked up on some necessities of the Lohan kind.
After processing the information presented to me, I decided to just run with it. Lilo in Training was born.
As the months wore on, the cult-like following I had seemed to create around this attention-starved Z-Lister surprised me. I received dozens of messages each week asking for updates. Did I really convince all of you that she was actually somewhat interesting? So I decided to keep going.
Maybe I’d watched Dirt with Courteney Cox a few too many times, since my natural inclination was to try to create a narrative around this nobody. And I did. I created LIT - strenuous Lohan parallels and all - her arch rival, and a pack of wealthy Who?’s that orbited their little world. And I kept that story going as long as it was still somewhat amusing to me. By last spring that amusement began to wear off, and by the time I started college in Manhattan last fall I knew the time had come, as Heather Locklear would say, to tie up a loose end.
Sometimes a story just runs its course. That’s the case here. What I thought was fun at first proved to be… insanely boring. Bella, Nicola, and their ilk are just not that interesting. The only reason they even seemed it is because I made them seem that way. After all of this, I’ve really begun to consider a career in PR since the shit I did for these nobodies is quite remarkable, I made all of you seem to care about them just because I presented the illusion that they might actually be worth your time. They aren’t.
Xoxo
Finally, a big thanks to the lovely people who helped me make these posts - my partners in crime: @ashtrayolsen& @drugproblem