The Hills war heats up.
One of the cardinal rules of Sun Tzu’s Art Of War is to avoid what is strong and “strike at what is weak” - and if Lauren Conrad’s beef curtains is what is weak, then Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have their battle strategy down to a tee.
As the third season of The Hills loomed, the seemingly-dormant feud between its most talked about stars reemerged… and became nastier than ever.
To promote the anticipated August 13th premiere, Conrad, Audrina Patridge, and Whitney Port sat down with Us Weekly to dish on the drama to come, and their feelings about the show’s so-called “villains” Montag and Pratt.
From Heidi’s plastic surgery to her rumored engagement to Spencer, the girls sounded off and left nothing off the table for a six-page cover story that left Lauren’s estranged pal red-faced and ready for revenge.
After being notified of the tabloid attack by his gossip-savvy grandmother, Spencer took to his website to respond to Conrad’s claims, and he didn’t mince words:
As for the source of the oft-repeated “beef curtains,” the term’s ties to LC span back to April 2007 when blogger Perez Hiltonbroke the news of the reality star’s rumored sex tape - making note of her “overly large girly bits.”
But a cyber tirade would be far from Pratt’s only attack on his TV costar.
The following day, Spencer and Heidi appeared on Philadelphia’s Q102, labeling LC a “psycho” and “lowlife,” desperately using the lovebirds for attention.
But while Conrad would appear on the station days later to defend herself, the controversial couple would continue their retaliation with a cameo on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM:
In spite of their anger, though, the duo seemed all smiles during a late-night trip to Koi:
But the war was just getting started.
As dueling radio and magazine interviews flooded the web, MTV executives feared for the safety of the show’s stars and ordered an emergency media blackout to cool the rising tensions - but the network would allow Speidi one last appearance.
Rather than promote the show, MTV gave the couple a pass to promote Heidi’s developing music career, letting the troubled twosome return to KIIS-FM to drop the aspiring pop star’s first single.
While Montag had been in the studio for months, dropping hints as to the sound of her potential record - dishing to Us Weekly of a Depeche Mode sample, later to be swiped by Hilary Duff - the song Seacrest would premiere on August 16th would be none other than Body Language:
But just as fast as the Yaz sample hit the airwaves, Heidi and Spencer told People that the song was just a “joke” and “not her single at all” - huh?
Unbeknownst to the couple, Warner Bros. executive Tommy Page accidentally sent the wrong track to Ryan, when the planned first single was actually another Montag/David Foster collaboration titled Blush - but it was too late.
While Speidi rushed to do damage control, commenters around the world took shots at the musical attempt, one blogger saying Pratt’s rap made Paula Abdul’s Skat Kat “sound like Tupac” - as another gossip questioned if listening to a song could “give you herpes” - I’m sure Pariswould know!
But it wouldn’t be long until the duo’s mortal enemy sounded off on Heidi’s latest venture, LC telling In Touch: “I promise you, I’ll never release an album! I don’t have [singing] talent, so I’m not going to pretend like I do.”
Ouch! But one had to wonder, does Lauren have any talents?
As Heidi and Spencer continued to terrorize Tinseltown, Conrad found herself busy on the East Coast, shooting takes for The Hills and complaining to pals that she now has to work “five days a week” - what a struggle!
But it seemed like the vapid, camera-ready bickering made for decent TV, as the show’s third season premiere racked in a whopping 3.6 million viewers - becoming the highest rated program of the night and the biggest telecast of the year for MTV.
Good ratings wouldn’t cool the tensions between the network’s top stars, though.
As the war between Lauren, Heidi, and Spencer raged on, their closest confidantes raced to take sides.
In Conrad’s corner, Pratt’s ex-BFF Brody Jenner stayed firm - causing Spencer to describe the betrayal as if Dick Cheney ditched Dubya and began rolling with “Bin Laden in the club.” Uhh, did Bin Laden prefer Les Deux or Hyde?
Meanwhile, another surprising Team LC member came in the form of Lauren’s ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler - fresh out of rehab and already dishing to tabloids and radio stations:
Between challenging Pratt to a polygraph to ranting to Ryan Seacrest, Wahler wasted no time in joining his ex-girlfriend’s fight - and managed to steer clear of his typical racist and homophobic epithets. And on Speidi’s side, backup included Nana Pratt, proudly boasting a pin reading “I’m Spencer Pratt’s grandma” - in addition to the couple’s tens of fans, Montag taking to MySpace to advertise Team Heidi shirts:
But two can play at that game.
While Lauren shied away from any Team LC tees, she selected September 15th to debut her eponymous clothing line… Heidi’s birthday.
But by then, the couple had already grown weary of fighting reality stars and chose to take on some bigger targets: the government.
Amidst the storm of staged candids and exclusive interviews, Spencer told Us Weekly that he and Heidi had been taking political science classes at USC and that he’d already been eyeing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s spot as governor of California: “Heidi’s learning to be a first lady. She could be my Hillary Clinton!”
In light of the past year, President Pratt doesn’t sound too bad now, does it?
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