Paris talks. I analyze.

Paris Hilton appeared on Watch What Happens Live last week, sister Nicky in tow. I don’t watch, but I make exceptions. Incredibly, Paris might be the only person who can irritate me more than Andy Cohen. But when she talks, I can’t help but listen. As useless she might appear, as much a decade-old fad she might seem, she’s a star through and through. When she isn’t spinning lies, she has stories; she’s seen a lot and done just as much, and last week she covered a wide range of topics: former friends, lovers, Trump. If I don’t take the time to break it all down, this blog was surely created in vain, so let’s hop to it.

(Don’t need my commentary? Here’s a link to watch.)

The Lies

Viewer question: has Paris ever been peeved by a parody of herself? She says no. “Imitation is the highest form of flattery,” she muses, wholly forgetting the time she confrontedP!nk at a nightclub over the parody of her sex tape in the Stupid Girls music video. P!nk recalled in 2008: “She said, ‘I hope you realize that the person I seem to be in the press is really just an act and the real me is really smart’. I said, 'Just get over it. The song was like years ago. Quit bugging me.’”

Another question of the history variety: Sidekick hack, circa 2005, spurred by “Tinkerbell” being the password to Hilton’s T-Mobile account. Does she remember? “Honey,” Hilton replies, “I think the whole world remembers.”

Sure, if the world was just population: me.

But was anyone angry when their number leaked? “No one was really pissed,” she claims, “It was just this explosion of calls.” This is to discount the wrath of Fergie, deluged by crank calls en route to the Don’t Phunk With My Heart video shoot, who told In Touch at the time she was going to “kill” Paris. Follow your heart, Fergie Ferg.

The Reality

Has she been eyeing the Real Housewives? Reports say so. Paris says no. She’s not married - “probably never will be,” she adds - and she doesn’t even watch the show herself. “Honey,” she squawks for the hundredth time, she just doesn’t have the time!

If she did, though, her tagline would be - you guessed it - “That’s Hot!”

The Richie

Still friends, or no? Paris says yes. Texts were exchanged as recently as a few days prior. Topic? Their high school reunion. Nicole reminded her of the date. Paris likely won’t attend; she’s too busy running a business, or something.

And for posterity: favorite episode of The Simple Life? “Sonic,” she answers.

The Lohan

Paris recently said that she never wants Lindsay’s name spoken in the same sentence as hers, so Andy stirs: “Paris, say three nice things about Lindsay Lohan.”

Her gears turn, “She’s beyond…” - pause - “… lame and embarrassing.”

Pot-Kettle. I won’t say Lindsay isn’t, but Paris, aren’t you?

And in a breaking development from The Blast, Lindsay - presently an MTV Movie Award Nominee for “Most Meme-able Moment” - has supposedly told friends she’s concerned: she hasn’t uttered Paris’ name since Dubya was in office and she still had parking on the Disney lot, but Paris keeps mentioning hers.

Translation: Lindsay says, “Paris, why are you so obsessed with me?”

Update: Since writing this post and letting it collect dust in my drafts as I wrapped up finals, Lindsay’s released a statement through her rep.

Wait, Lindsay can afford a rep?

The Miley

Did she or didn’t she make out with Miley Cyrus at a Miami nightclub, as was reported in 2014? Her face flushes. “Maybe!” So that’s a yes.

The Spears

Brit Brit’s had a rough few weeks, months. We love her, we’re rooting for her. So Hilton chimes in, as she does, adding she knows Brit well. “I think she’s very misunderstood, and people don’t know the real her, and I’ve spent a lot of time with her, and…” she drones on.

I always get a good laugh when she invokes the Spears name. They hung out for all of two hazy weeks in 2006 and a single night in 2007 - seriously, that was it - and Paris has been trying to milk it for well over a decade. A Starbucks Frappe’s had a more intimate bond with Britney than Paris ever did.

The Murray

She stays mum - “I plead the fifth!” in her feigned baby voice - only when it comes to her rumored fling back in the day with Chad Michael Murray during the filming of House of Wax. (I’ll defend it: fun movie, great soundtrack.) At the time, they’d both been in relationships: Murray with One Tree Hill co-star Sophia Bush, Hilton with Nick Carter. Scandal!

The duration of the romance is a point of contest. I personally recall some thinly-veiled blind items - in Page Six? the Daily News, possibly? - saying their hooking up continued well into the film’s release, and Chad’s transition from dating-to-marrying Sophia. Even skeezier, in the movie’s behind-the-scenes extras, Chad tries to divert attention from himself by accusing Wax co-star Jared Padalecki, who had a girlfriend at the time, of being the one two-timing with Paris.

Anyhow, the Tree Hill lovers split soon after; Murray rebounded with one of the show’s teenage extras, got denied entry to her high school prom. Now he’s with the chick from Fired Up! and Disturbia. Sophia’s done pretty well for herself and has seemingly escaped The CW for good. (Not everybody can relate, right Chad?) In 2007, Bush was asked her thoughts on Paris’ jail sentencing, she responded as only she could:

For further evidence of the fling, Aaron Carterconfirmed Hilton-Murray on The Tyra Banks Show in 2006. Who needs Brokaw when we have Tyra.

The Trump

What about Paris’ friendship with Donald? After all, the Trumps and Hiltons have one of the most enduring friendships in Hollywood, sealed by shared publicists and plastic surgeons, purportedly taped usage of racial slurs. (Well, only purported in Donald’s case; if only he’d left the footage in a storage locker he forgot to pay the bill for, right Paris?)

After Donald’s divorce from Marla Maples in the late nineties, Kathy tried to fix her pal up with sister Kim Richards, Kim herself hot on the heels of a split from Marvin Davis’ son Gregg. Paris tells Andy her parents similarly tried to pair her up back in the day with one of Trump’s mutts, Don Jr. or Eric. She parried; they weren’t “her type.” So, judging by her wide range of ‘types’ - from Deryck Whibley to Stavros Niarchos to Vincent Gallo - she meant they were just rough on the eyes. Understandable.

However, this tidbit is funny on two counts: the first being Don Jr.’s eventual choice of bride, Vanessa Haydon, the off-brand Paris, one half of a not-Hilton sisterly party duo in the late nineties/early aughts with Veronika; same clubs, same celebrity hookups. (DiCaprio, looking at you!) Where’s Lizzie Grubman to give us the dirt when we need it?

And count two: lest we forget the storied night in 2000 a sodden Jr. desperately tailed a perfectly buzzed-and-bronzed Paris from New York’s Playboy Penthouse after she’d treaded unfriendly waters with Natasha Lyonne.

Background? Hilton had recently picked up the actress’ sloppy seconds, Edward Furlong, so Lyonne reacted accordingly: alleged threats of bodily harm, a hissed “Slut!” etc. Paris might have defecated in fear and left the party pronto; Don Jr. proceeded, hopping in the cab with a shaken Paris and, per Page Six’s Chris Wilson, lovingly gazed at Hilton’s bare navel. (As for how things ended with Hilton-Lyonne, I’m assuming well. Natasha turned up at Paris’ album release party years later. Do we think she’s a Stars Are Blind girl or a Nothing In This World girl? Both?)

Circling back: Paris also talks The Donald himself, and in some questionable terms. He “loves himself,” so says the woman dwelling in a mansion swamped with her own image: in frames, on pillows, on cardboard cutouts. She says he’s “beyond,” recycling the vague terminology she’d abused before in honor of her scorned pal Lohan. Could the Hilton-Trump bond be a thing of history? Possibly. I sense some tangy bitterness in Paris’ voice, the same she’d once only reserved for the Kardashians at the height of their celebrity. I imagine Paris is similarly envious that her close pal, her mentor, her onetime cheerleader and contributor to her E! True Hollywood Story, Donald, jacked her playbook and played it all the way to the White House - and she didn’t even gotten an Oval Office tour like Kim’s! Rude.

If it’s any consolation, Paris, you were still able to trademark “That’s Hot!” while Donald couldn’t even get “You’re Fired!” Match point.

The Kardashian

Paris’ reason for appearing on the show was to plug her new single, Best Friend’s Ass, which she says is about “being hot and killing it.” And also her best friend’s ass. In this case, Kim’s. Recently, she was spotted filming the accompanying video with her old pal in matching glittery attire. So what about their feud way back when?

She dismisses the years-long beef, the one that birthed a creative use of “cottage cheese” as an adjective, as being crafted by the media. Hear that, guys? Paris says stop pitting racist socialites from Beverly Hills against each other, even when they’re on tape trading disses.

She then exalts the Kardashians’ business acumen - “They’re all brilliant, beautiful businesswomen!” - and how Kim parlayed her “closet-organizing” into an empire. Which is bullshit, even she knows it. The closet biz was a sham and lasted Kim for all of however long it took to upgrade to being Paris’ BFF full-time. And since when is listing Cathy Bach’s Daisy Dukes on eBay a serious job? But Hilton and Kardashian are on better terms now. They buried the hatchet years ago. They’ve both realized Trump swiped their spot in pop culture, hence the Kardashians’ sudden interest in politics.

But if Andy has his way, Paris will be joining a future ballot, too. At the show’s end, Cohen proposed an interesting idea: “You could run for office!”

Andy, we already have a famous-for-being-famous blonde real estate heir turned socialite turned reality star in the White House, do we really need another?