Clay talks Trump, Madge disses Whitney, Newlyweds gossip, my Manson Family fantasy cast, a play-by-play of Shia’s arrest - and more!

Claymates Unite!

If there’s one man capable of swaying the white women of middle America against Donald Trump, it’s Clay Aiken.

While Fredo’s been catching heat for that little email snafu, the former Idol-turned-politician dished on his Celebrity Apprentice days in a podcast appearance last week:

Amongst the intel he gathered from his 2012 stint on the reality series is that Trump didn’t actually do the firing, NBC did - go figure!

The President of Claynation™ explained that during the show’s boardroom eliminations, Donald sat in front of an item that looked like a phone, but was actually a teleprompter that producers used to send him notes. Wait, so you’re telling me reality TV isn’t real? Shocking.

Chicken Of The Sea

Complexrecently chatted with a former producer on Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica. The interview wasn’t that juicy, and all of the so-called ’secrets’ were painfully obvious, but I figured I’d round it up for any enquiring minds:

- The MTV producers that worked on The Osbournes in 2002 had a choice the subsequent year: Newlyweds or Rich Girls.

- Successica is truly as dumb as she seems.

- Nick was more “accessible” than his wife, but Jess was still sweet nonetheless.

- The tension between the two lovebirds was palpable by the end, and it was pretty obvious they weren’t suited for each other.

- Joe Simpson didn’t have as much say in the show as you’d expect.

Anyways, in other Newlyweds news - JSimps recently tweeted this:

It happens to the best of us @WholeFoodspic.twitter.com/Vo5ekewF8S

— Jessica Simpson (@JessicaSimpson) July 9, 2017

Girls Next Door Stuff

Bridget Marquardtappeared on Australia’s The Morning Show last week to dish on her ongoing fertility struggles, in addition to her relationship with Hugh Hefner - here’s a rundown:

- Bridget froze her eggs while she was living in the mansion incase she wanted to have a child later on.

- When she finally thawed the eggs, none of them survived.

- She and Hef were still in touch for a while, and she returned for some Playboy parties, but recently they’ve fallen out of contact and while he promised an “open door” policy for her, Bridget was given the “runaround” when she tried to visit the mansion earlier this year.

Not surprised.

My Manson Family Fantasy Cast!

Word on the street - okay, The Hollywood Reporter - is that Quentin Tarantino’s Forehead is on the hunt for A-List talent for a supposed “unique take” on the Manson Family. Some names being thrown around at the moment are Brad Pitt, Jennifer Lawrence, Coke Bloat DiCaprio and Margot Robbie - but this ensemble doesn’t sit well with me.

As someone who’s read Helter Skelter three times and religiously followed every aspect of the case, I’ve decided to compile a dream team of Hollywood vets that I think would deliver like Domino’s:

1). 2007 Lindsay Lohan as Sharon Tate

Before the fillers, before the veneers, before whatever else Lilo’s done to her mug: she was drop dead beautiful - and I used to always think she’d be perfect to play Sharon, especially as she’s been attached to severalManson projects over the years.

2). Phil Spector as Roman Polanski

They have about the same level of respect for women.

3). Phil Spector as Squeaky

Y/Y?

4). Cisco Adler as Charles Manson

Dare I say we shift to focus of the film to Manson’s balls?

5). HAIM as the Manson Girls

Would anyone even notice a difference?

Also, is it just me or does Lucas’ mom on One Tree Hill looks like Susan Atkins:

6). Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber as Tex Watson

The resemblance is uncanny.

But in all seriousness, I have little to no faith in Forehead. He’ll fuck this up, big time. Unlike most people, I’m not tired of Manson media, but I am tired of it being so centered on Charlie and this weird fanboy obsession with him. I don’t know - to me, I’ve always viewed this as the quintessential Hollywood crime story, and I’ve always felt like a movie that captures that and the case’s place in American culture would be the dream, but I guess I’ll have to keep dreaming.

In the meantime, let’s just watch this on loop:

One of my favorite Hollywood beauties.

LaBeouf Stuff

Tell me if you’ve heard this before: Shia LaBeouf was arrested for being a drunken mess.

Yes?

Okay, then tell me if you’ve already heard this: While LaBeouf was drunk, he acted like a total piece of shit.

This is just an average day? Yeah, pretty much.

In totally unsurprising news, the occassional actor - who once threatened to kill his girlfriend on tape, but nobody seemed to care - was busted in Georgia last week after trying to bum a cigarette off a police officer. When the cop refused, Shia flipped his shit and then darted to a nearby hotel to evade arrest.

While he was being cuffed, though, Shia slipped into classic Hollywood meltdown mode and went on a multipart tirade - let’s break it down:

ACT I.“You got a President that don’t give a shit about you, so you wanna arrest white people? You stupid bitch!”

ACT II.“You put a white man in the pen for what? You fucking bitch! For asking a black man for a cigarette? I pay my taxes, you don’t bitch.”

ACT III.“I’m an American, I pay my fucking taxes. You’re a fucking whore.”

ACT IV.“You’re going to hell, straight to hell.”

ACT V.“When you go home to your wife, what do you tell her at night? She probably watches porn… like licking a black dick. Don’t you feel fucked up, being white, about that?”

LaBeouf’s since taken to Twitter to apologize for his rant:

pic.twitter.com/OoUpBpr9vg

— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) July 12, 2017

Nice try, but I think you’ll have to sit this one out with Mel Gibson and Kramer.

Leaves Of Madge

Do you have a few thousand to spare? Do you want to own Madonna’s handwritten existential crisis? Then you’re in luck!

In a new set of early ‘90s musings up for auction, the pop star questions the state of her career while writing to then-boyfriend John Enos, and slams Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone as being “horribly mediocre” - while also having the respective music and film careers Madge whines that she’ll “never have.”

Stone took a breather from one of her imaginary MENSA meetings to defend her bitter pal on Facebook:

And since Whitney’s unable to comment, I’ll leave you with this:

(Letter 1 / Letter 2)

Tabloids

Some articles from the recent issues of Star, OK!, Us Weekly, In Touch, People, Life & Style, Globe, & National Enquirer:

Star

OK!

Us Weekly

People

In Touch

Life & Style

Globe

National Enquirer

Random Tidbits

- Charlie Sheen’s gone vegan.

- Former actress Cameron Diazshows her face.

- Grace Kelly was a pain in the ass.

- Kiki’s underwear.

- The Brangie Bunchtakes Disneyland.

- Brit Britisn’t performing at the Super Bowl.

- The O.J.parole hearing countdown continues.

- Kiefer Sutherlandhad a secret girlfriend.

- Naomi Campbell, too?

- GoFundMesaved Lana Wood.

- Woody Allenisn’t dead yet. Tick tock.

- A history of Melrose Place.

- TMZ is Donald Trump’s biggest fan site.

- The Duffhas a new man.

- More Will & Grace hype.

- The White Trashification of America continues: Kid Rockhas entered the political arena.

- More than 10 people went to a Gwen Stefani concert, apparently.

- Tara Conneris engaged.

- Prince Von Asshole is inheriting Zsa Zsa’s everything.

- Kermitgets canned.

- And to my New York readers: Check out the upcomingPCD2009 art exhibition - opening July 28th! Details here.

Hope you guys had a good week!

Hilary Duff and Joel Madden on the set of a Teen People shoot, December 2005

Britney’s very strange 24 hours.

Britney’s not crazy, she’s unusual.

While in hindsight, we know how the rest of 2007 played out for Britney Spears, for those in the midst of the madness, summer brought a nervous optimism about what was to come: Was she really ready for a comeback? Or was another meltdown on its way?

Only time would tell, but while anticipation grew for a glimpse of the pop star’s forthcoming album, Britney decided to take promotion into her own hands - and the results earned headlines… for all the wrong reasons.

Between late nights on the town, and early mornings at the Four Seasons, the ex-rehabber’s behavior continued to grab tabloid covers. As rumors swirled of family feuds and a nasty custody battle with Kevin Federline, Britney decided to set the record straight… by calling up one of the glossies herself.

Rather than tell all with the celeb-friendly People, Spears raised eyebrows by phoning the main number for OK!, asking the receptionist for Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens - Brit wanted to talk business, and the magazine was more than happy to oblige.

What was supposed to hit newsstands was the issue to end all issues, a rare glimpse into the life of America’s most troubled tabloid target - not written through a paparazzi lens, but in her own words.

Instead, the shoot became another snippet in the never-ending Spears spiral captivating the world.

On July 19th, Britney arrived 45 minutes late.

Despite a reported million dollar price-tag dangling over the struggling starlet, one insider dished Spears seemed “unfocused” as she strolled into the rented Hollywood Hills mansion where the day’s events would unfold.

As she scurried over to the makeup chair, Brit shoed off OK!’s staff, instead asking her tagalong buddies to do her hair and makeup - and then dismissed the planned wardrobe, complaining none of the pieces were “short” or “sexy” enough.

The clothing didn’t go all to waste, though, as the pop star’s new puppy London decided to take a dump on a $6,700 Zac Posen dress.

Britney didn’t care.

As the singer geared up to pose for photographer Mark Liddell, her mood only worsened. “Brit’s eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead,” one onlooker snitched, while another noted the singer’s frequent bathroom breaks - returning to set each time even more erratic than before, and at one point taking a leak with the door wide open.

“She wandered around, babbling like a baby,” one gossip site revealed - while another claimed Britney couldn’t stop fondling herself “like a 5-year-old discovering her genitalia for the first time.” And when it came time for a lunch break, Spears chowed down on a plate of fried chicken, opting to ditch napkins and instead wipe the grease off on her pricy dress.

Finally, the long-awaited tell-all.

During the highly-anticipated interview, Britney’s paranoia skyrocketed. As she dodged most of the questions, the singer reportedly began to fear the ceiling would “cave in” and that everybody in the room was ridiculing her.

And after only two hours, Britney decided she was finished.

With only four test shots and a brief interview in the bag, Spears darted out the door - but not empty-handed.

While OK! staffers eyed Britney, the pop star’s assistant Shannon Funk tried to swipe some clothes - and Brit later grabbed a Vera Wang dress, Lanvin heels, a Pucci headscarf, two diamond rings, and a gold bangle… amounting to a whopping $15,000.

As Liddell chased Spears, begging her to return, the singer simply responded that she was “done” - and as fast as she came, she went.

Next stop? Video shoot.

As OK! staffers reeled from the afternoon’s events, Brit darted to a loft in downtown L.A. to film a music video for the debut single from her yet-to-be-titled album.

While some sites buzzed the tune was called Get Back, it would later be unveiled as Gimme More:

Production would last into the wee hours of July 20th… before Britney began to sob uncontrollably and pulled the plug, heading off to her last stop of the evening: the Standard Downtown.

After a day on set, Spears & co. headed to the hotel’s rooftop pool, with them a few video male video extras - including 21-year-old college student Matt Encinias, whom she would spend the night flirting with.

According to Encinias’ inevitable slew of interviews, a drunken Brit suggested the two play a game of naked Truth or Dare…

… and by the end of the night the college student claimed he had a chance to make out with the nude pop star - before she gave him the boot at 4AM.

And like any day in the life of Spears, the stories would outlast the antics by weeks.

By July 23rd, word spread of the Thursday photo freakout, and TMZ claimed that the snaps were “so bad” that publishing them could “kill her career.”

But the following day, Sarah Ivens confirmed in a statement that the issue would still go to print… whether Brit liked it or not:

“OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.”

And as OK!cashed in on their story, Spears’ post-shoot fling would sell his own tale to Us Weekly, scoring an August 20th cover story filled with all of the dirty details of their boozy hotel romp:

But in a strange twist to the saga, OK! followed up their high-selling meltdown issue with its own take on what happened that night at the Standard… insinuating that Matt wasn’t the one getting all the action, but rather Spears’ assistant Shannon:

Amidst the backlash to Britney’s latest bout of bizarre behavior, 21-year-old Funk became the focus of even more tabloid fervor. Us Weekly claimed that soon after the shoot-from-hell, Spears fired Shannon - blaming the incident entirely on her, meanwhile Perez Hilton boasted on his blog a private chat with Funk, who claimed that she was more than ready to sell her story to the highest bidder.

But while reports surfaced of a little confidentiality agreement getting in the way of Shannon’s payday, the ex-assistant ran into another party killer: a subpoena.

Following a trip to New York with a senior reporter from OK!, Funk returned to Long Beach Airport on August 14th to a letter from K-Fed’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan, requesting that Shannon testify against her former boss in the couple’s ongoing custody battle.

But while all of this is happening, what’s good ol’ Brit up to anyways?

Hours after her wild night at the Standard, Britney kicked off the morning of July 20th on a quieter note than usual… enjoying some court-approved fun in the sun at Marina del Rey with her two boys.

But in typical Britney fashion, she paused the family time to give a few photogs some fitness advice:

It’s just another day in 2007.

Gifs & Graphics: drugproblem& hotasice

OK!August 27, 2007

Ten years ago today, Hairspray was released. Today is your day, Nikki Blonsky.

Lindsay’s wild ride.

“This is a common failing of mankind, never to anticipate a storm when the sea is calm.”

- Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

And with Lindsay Lohan, calm is usually too good to be true.

As the rehabber wrapped up her second stint of 2007, Lilo told Tatler that she sought guidance in Machiavelli’s 16th-century political handbook - but in spite of her odd summer reading list, it seemed as if the starlet had turned over a new leaf after all.

Some Fourth of July family time followed a booze-free birthday bash, and rather than Hyde, cameras started to catch Lindsay strutting her stuff outside of AA meetings across L.A.

Was a new-and-improved Lohan upon us?

Little by little, doubt began to trickle.

After checking out of Promises on July 13th, Lindsay celebrated her newfound sobriety like any rehab alum would: Vegas.

Making up for her scrapped 21st, LL arrived at Caesar Palace’s Pure nightclub alongside assistant Jenni Murro and fellow ex-rehabber Dori Cooperman, sporting the latest accessory burning up Hollywood…

A SCRAM bracelet.

In hopes of proving herself to the world, and perhaps making a bold fashion statement, Lilo voluntarily opted to wear a sleek alcohol-monitoring device around her ankle.

And rather than vodka, Lindsay nursed a Red Bull all night - her most questionable choice being her new man of the hour: Criss Angel.

But if her decision to flirt it up with an aging magician didn’t raise eyebrows, her return to Los Angeles would.

After touching back down at LAX, it wouldn’t be long until La Lohan found herself at her usual haunts.

From Winston’s to Les Deux, and a quick Mel’s Diner run in between, gossip sites scratched their heads at Lindsay’s post-rehab choice to return to the club scene - and soon tabloids would publish suspicions of their own.

Star claimed that during Lindsay’s stay at Promises, the actress evaded drug tests by finding a new way to get high: whippets. Meanwhile, other glossies spread rumors of wild three-day benders, booze-filled water bottles, texting during AA meetings, and a failed rehab romance that drove a distraught Lilo to slash her wrists - but could any of this really be true?

It would only take eleven days to find out.

Slowly, but surely, the typical brand of Lohan drama gracing gossip sites began to resurface.

While Page Six hinted Linds had ditched coke for ecstasy, other columns claimed that nude pictures of Lohan, taken by ex-boyfriend Calum Best, were swiped by a computer hacker:

When one site teased LL about the naked buzz, she was less than pleased:

And days later, the supposedly reformed party girl would ignite more chatter - this time by turning herself in:

Nearly two months after her Memorial Day weekend-from-hell, Lindsay was finally booked on her DUI charge, police sources noting that the actress was “very pleasant and cooperative” … but it would take her less than a week to make it a double.

By July 21st, concerns that Lilo had fallen off the wagon started to arise. “She’d spend a lot of ‘private time’ in her room upstairs,” a source dished to the New York Daily News. Meanwhile, another witness simply described the actress as seeming “wrecked.”

Whatever the truth may be, the following day would welcome another night outing - this time Club LAX.

After dining with Dori at Taverna Tony’s on July 22nd, the duo joined Lindsay’s other assistant, Tarin Graham for some partying.

And to make things stranger, Lilo’s promo pal Mike Heller tried to broker a $30,000 deal with X17 photographers for exclusive shots of the actress that evening. The cash would come in handy a day later.

After a night on the town, Lindsay kicked off the morning of July 23rd on a far calmer note: sunbathing.

With her ankle-monitor in full view, liquor seemed to be the least of Lindsay’s troubles that Sunday - but once the sun set, everything would change.

Just before midnight, Lilo’s attorney Blair Berk received a signal from Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet - there was trouble, and she needed to find her fast.

But as quickly as Berk raced to locate her client, she would find out she’s too late. By 2:15 AM, Lindsay was behind bars.

So what could’ve happened within those two hours?

The world would soon find out, and the story would be wilder than what anyone could’ve imagined.

Early Sunday night, Tarin texted her boyfriend Dan Regan’s pal Dante Nigro that Lindsay wanted to invite him to a party in Malibu.

Hours prior, LL emailed Perez Hilton that she was throwing a surprise birthday bash for a pal and was rushing to prepare.

Joined by friends Jakon Sutter and Ronnie Blake, Dante arrived to the fête to find Linds with a “drink in her hand” - and the night would only spiral from there.

Shortly after 12 AM, an argument erupted outside the party between Graham and her boyfriend. While some sites speculated Tarin had been angry over her newly-sober boss’ hard-partying, others buzzed Lindsay had been flirting with Graham’s man.

But just as Dan told Dante and co. that he was ready to bounce, Lohan entered the ring.

“Lindsay comes out of the house and starts yelling at her assistant, saying: 'You know, you need to be quiet!’” Nigro later told TMZ.

Graham’s response? “I quit.”

As the infuriated assistant stormed off, Graham yanked her boyfriend out of Dante’s car - but a raging Lilo would take his place.

Just as Tarin drove off, Lindsay jumped into the driver’s seat of Nigro’s white Denali and started up the ignition.

Ronnie Blake, who’d been sitting in the backseat, quickly jumped out, but a crazed LL proceeded to run over his foot. As he screamed from the side of the road, Lindsay switched into high-gear… and the chase was on.

As a speeding Lilo tailed Tarin, Dante grabbed the wheel and tried to hit the brake. “If you touch me, I’ll sue you!” she shouted, leaving the other remaining passenger - Jakon Sutter - desperately begging the starlet to stop.

At nearly 100MPH, the wild child darted through red lights in hopes of catching up to her ex-assistant. When Dante cried, “You’re going to kill us!” Lindsay cooly responded: “I can’t get in trouble. I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

And just as fast as the chase began, the action moved from Malibu to Santa Monica.

Once Lindsay realized Tarin was heading to her mother’s house, the actress blazed through several near-collisions along Pacific Coast Highway in an attempt to get there first. But just as she arrived, another car was pulling into the driveway.

The driver? Tarin’s mom, Michelle Peck.

Peck, a celebrity facialist with Madonna amongst her roster of wealthy clients, was arriving home in her black Escalade when she noticed a white GMC speeding towards her.

Confused, Michelle began driving backwards down the street to escape La Lohan’s wrath, and the chase was back on.

As Peck ran off, Lilo continued to speed - this time in a residential zone - ignoring each red light, intersection, and stop sign in sight. While the actress’ captive passengers continued to plead, Lindsay simply responded: “I can do whatever I want, you want to see?”

At this point, a terrified Michelle, with a passenger of her own, dialed 911:

But just as LL upped the speed, Dante began to realize where the crazed actress’ target was headed.

As Lindsay continued to shout, Peck plowed through the barricade at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium parking lot, right next door to the local police station.

Michelle’s friend, Tracie Rice, quickly jumped out of the vehicle, and a raging Linds followed suit… only to find cops approaching - with guns drawn.

“Tell them I wasn’t driving! Tell them I didn’t do anything,” Lilo began to yell at her terrified passengers, but Dante and Jakon refused.

After almost falling over during her field sobriety test, the screaming starlet was dragged off the scene in cuffs and booked on DUI - the second time in under two months.

This time, however, the world would be greeted with the party girl’s freckle-faced mugshot, the very first of many to come:

But the trouble didn’t end there.

After blowing a .13 BAC, cops searched the erratic actress and stumbled upon a folded Clinique sun care card in her rear pocket… drenched in a snowy white substance.

Once tests confirmed the obvious, La Lohan uttered yet another excuse: she was wearing someone else’s pants.

And within an hour, Dina Lohan received a call from her crying daughter: “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”

Unfortunately, White Oprah couldn’t help her now.

As the sun rose over Tinseltown that Tuesday morning, the world caught wind of the news: Lindsay Lohan fucked up… big time.

While some TV anchors weren’t too eager to break the story…

… minute-by-minute, gossip sites dished on a flood of details.

From comment sections to front pages, and a race between tabloids to squeeze the starlet’s dazed mug into their weekly covers, the fallout of Lilo’s latest indiscretion seemed more catastrophic than the first.

Would she go to jail? And could her career ever recover? With each passing headline, another sweet escape for the party girl seemed unlikely.

And by the end of the day, Blair Berk issued a somber statement on her client’s behalf:

“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

But it wouldn’t take long until Lindsay issued a defense of her own, emailing Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush that she was completely “innocent”:

In addition to making a handwritten statement to Santa Monica Police, proclaiming she was “set up” by Tarin & Dan, and that she doesn’t use drugs:

But not everyone seemed so sure - or at least not Madame Tussauds:

While Lilo’s uncle Chris Sullivan was quick to claim his niece wasn’t even driving Monday night, and that Tarin Graham was simply a “problem individual” Lindsay was “trying to help out,” others didn’t buy the defense - especially the late-night circuit.

The day of the arrest, Lindsay had been scheduled to sit down with Jay Leno to promote her latest project - I Know Who Killed Me - but for obvious reasons, the actress had to cancel… leaving Leno to schedule a last minute fill-in:

… and Dina wasn’t pleased.

After catching Rob Schneider’s spoof of her daughter, White Oprah told Billy Bush that she was disappointed in Jay for allowing his guest to “make light of a very serious situation” - causing Rob to retaliate: “When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I’ll have an ounce of respect for her.”

But Schneider’s spoof was far from Dina’s only battle in the wake of her daughter’s headline-making arrest.

Another dig at Mama Lohan’s parenting came from Donald Trump, the reality star yapping to Page Six and Access Hollywood that Lindsay needed a “new set” of parents… and squeezing in something about Rosie O'Donnell, of course:

Dina quickly fired back that Trump, of all people, is in no position to speak on LL’s boozing, considering Donald owns a vodka line in spite of his own brother - Fred Jr. - dying of “alcoholism.” But Trump wouldn’t be the only press junkie waging war with White Oprah… cue ex-hubby Michael Lohan:

Lilo’s estranged father, fresh out of jail… and supposedly in touch with Jesus, rushed to comment on his daughter’s situation, issuing “exclusive” statements to Perez, TMZ, OK!…

… and just about anyone who’d listen.

But to make the family feud even nastier, Lilo’s younger sister Ali penned a July 26th email attack on daddy dearest, telling gossip site 24/Sizzler that Michael Sr. was a sham:

“Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is. My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us. i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother. He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been. I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family but of course we are put under a microscope because of lindsays fame, lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common. My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives.

Thankyou for your time god bless, Ali“

Michael’s response? ”She probably didn’t write it.“

But family wouldn’t be the only ones dishing on the fallen starlet, the rest of America had a few thoughts of their own, too.

Van Halen’s David Lee Roth told Lilo to give him a call:

A vitamin drink powder company pleaded for Lindsay to cut the crap… and buy their product:

Artie Lang was eager for a President Lohan:

And SamRo stayed mum:

A Porter Ranch development gave potential homeowners a chance to escape ”insane teenage movie stars“:

SexZ Pictures promised an upcoming Lindsay HoHand: Get Out of My Fucking Way:

Kelly Ripa seemed concerned:

This person? Not so much:

A celeb-death betting site - Goulpoul.us - smacked Lilo amongst their list of Most Likely’s… alongside Fidel Castro and Zsa Zsa Gabor:

And as for Lindsay’s top frenemy, Paris Hilton kept quiet for X17 cameras:

But showed her true colors on her front gate:

Ouch!

But in spite of all the negative press, LL still had a few supporters in her corner.

Lilo’s Mean Girls and Freaky Friday director - Mark Waters - praised his former ingenue as ”somebody who has got verifiable talent“ and ”actually good at what she does.“ Meanwhile, Harvey Weinstein claimed he’d still hire La Lohan, telling Entertainment Tonight the wild child is a ”wonderful actress“ - and Lilo’s former costar Christian Slater even gave his two cents:

The kind words, however, couldn’t save the starlet’s spiraling career.

While early projections expected a $7 million opening for I Know Who Killed Me, its July 27th opening weekend raked in less than half… and earned a flurry of negative reviews:

With her film career in flames and felony charges looming, Lindsay was left with nowhere else to go but the place she knows best…

Rehab.

While sites speculated over Lindsay’s post-arrest hideaway being anywhere from Betty Ford to Long Island, The Insider eventually confirmed Lilo’s new treatment target: Cirque Lodge.

Despite a long list of celebrity patients, from Mary-Kate Olsen to David Hasselhoff, Tinseltown drama rarely cracked the walls of the cozy Utah retreat… Lindsay would change that.

And as for the night it all began, the passengers of July 24th’s wild ride would later sue La Lohan for damages.

While Dante, Jakon, and Ronnie would settle for an undisclosed amount in 2012, Tracie Rice would score a fat check of her own in 2011 - and as for Lindsay’s criminal charges, the felony drug possession would later be dropped…

… because cops initially mistook Lindsay’s cocaine for a breath mint and tossed it in the trash.

It looked like Hollywood’s most infamous party girl would get away with it… again.

Gifs:batfleckwayne

Angelina Jolie and Zahara carry matching Valentino bags, September 2007

On This Day In 2007 A video surfaced of Beyoncé falling down during a performance of Ring The Alarm at Amway Arena in Orlando, Florida. Afterwards, she told the crowd: “Don’t put it on YouTube.”

But it was too late.

Within hours of the show, several people shared the video online - and promptly received takedown requests from Sony BMG, citing copyright infringement - but the attempt to erase it just caused more people to spread the footage.

In the end, Knowles brushed off the incident and claimed she was just being “sarcastic” when she begged fans to not post the tumble.

StarNovember 19, 2007

Ashlee Simpson calls into TRL to explain her SNL incident, October 2004

Nicole Richie faced a judge over a 2006DUI arrest.

Months after being busted for driving the wrong way on a Burbank freeway, The Simple Life star was officially charged with driving under the influence in February 2007:

But there was a catch.

Due to a prior DUI conviction in 2003, mandatory jail time was required for the two-timer - so in an attempt to avoid the slammer, Richie decided to fight the charge and plead not guilty.

Part of the party girl’s defense, concocted by lawyer Shawn Holley, was an attack on the drug tests performed by Nicole’s arresting officers.

According to Holley, and a planned trial expert, the urinalysis conducted by cops was “unreliable” - rather, blood is generally considered the more accurate test.

However, Richie’s expert witness - Dr. Terence McGee - ended up taking a surprise summer vacay, leaving Camp Nicole to restrategize and end up accepting a plea deal offered by prosecutors.

On July 27th, a Moschino-clad Richie appeared at Glendale Courthouse alongside boyfriend - and rumored baby daddy - Joel Madden to face the music.

After telling Nicole she was “lucky that no one was hurt or killed,” Superior Court Commissioner Steven K. Lubell sentenced the starlet to probation, a $2,048 fine and four days at a jail of her choice - Nicole opting to spend time at BFF Paris’ old clink: Century Regional Detention Facility.

As for dad Lionel Richie’s thoughts, he just saw a trip to the pokey as part of growing up:

Happy 10 Years!

In TouchAugust 21, 2006

I Know Who Killed Me was released.

While its star, Lindsay Lohan, was unable to work the promo circuit due to a little DUI arrest, critics far and wide had no trouble giving the film the press it deserved:

“Incoherent and semi-vile.” - Chicago Tribune

“105 minutes of your life you will never get back.” - Entertainment Weekly

“No review could really do justice to the monumental trashiness of this mess.” - New York Daily News

“What was Lindsay Lohan thinking?” - MTV

“[A] sleazy, inept and worthless piece of torture porn.” - The New York Post

“The film suggests Lohan probably (allegedly) should’ve gone after her agent the other night, not the mother of an ex-personal assistant.” - Chicago Tribune

And it seemed audiences agreed, too.

While the film was projected to open with $7 million, it barely raked in half - opening at #9 behind Transformers, Ratatouille, Hairspray, The Simpsons Movie, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.

The dud later swept the year-end Razzies, scoring a record-breaking nine nominations and eight wins - including “Worst Picture Of 2007”:

And Richard Roeper later crowned it #1 in his list of the 100 Worst Movies of the Decade - and in spite of the film being Lohan’s last starring vehicle to receive a wide release, even she’s decided to disown it, tweeting this in 2013:

Happy 10 Years!

(I do appreciate the film for introducing me to this song, though)

“this is an issue that’s very close to my own heart… on the tyra banks show i was homeless for a day”

Shock, scandal, and my five-hour feud with Paris!

Move over, Gossip Girl, since yesterday’s PCD2009 exhibition debut was the New York social event of 2017 - so what went down at my transition into the art world? Let’s take a peek!

For those of you who’ve been keeping up, the shindig’s theme was Nicole Richie’s Memorial Day bash from hell - and let’s just say life imitated art… imitating life?

Friday started off like most of my days: flipping through old tabloids, Law & Order: SVU, and then a snack in between - but, yesterday’s snack was a bit odder than usual, as I received a surprise Instagram direct message from none other than the succubus herself: Paris Hilton.

While she’d already messaged me earlier this week asking what the hotly-anticipated exhibition was about - to which I responded with a brief rundown of the theme, her interest quickly waning - fast forward to yesterday, at roughly 3 PM, Paris asked me for my phone number.

In my head, I knew this was leading to either one of two scenarios:

A). She texts me herself, penning a lovely messaging threatening my life if I choose to publicize her (#alleged) Herpes - as one of the pieces prepared for the exhibit was a Warhol-style print of the historic Valtrex prescription bottle that leaked circa ParisExposed.com

B). She’d have her lawyer bitch me out instead.

It ended up being B.

A couple of hours after I gave her my cell, I received a call from a local number. Me, being the socially awkward recluse I am, immediately thought: “Holy shit! Does someone actually want to be my friend? Is this real? Am I being Punk’d? Is this Ashton Kutcher’s payback for me calling him a douche on the blog every other week?”

Then I picked up and it was a guy introducing himself as Paris Hilton’s attorney.

Figures.

Anyways, the lawyer was no Elliot Mintz - I’ll say that much.

He was very unenthusiastic and failed to deliver an excuse as delicious as “stray dessert” - rather, he tried to beat around the bush:

“Paris is very concerned because she’s learned that there’s going to be a painting of a Valtrex prescription bottle with her name on it… falsely implying that she has herpes when she’s not in fact stricken with that disease…”

Yes, he actually said: “stricken with that disease.”

My response? “You want it taken down?”

“Yes, that’d be greatly appreciated.”

We scheduled a follow-up chat for a couple of hours later, when I’d actually be at the exhibit, so I hitched it out to Brooklyn to get the party rolling… and then we spoke again.

He calls, I tell him the piece is dunzo, he calls again - and then texts.

I might’ve gotten a bit testy and pulled a LC at Les Deux on him, but soon after Paris sent me a five-paragraph Instagram apology telling me that she’s a big fan of the blog (A lie, but I appreciate the effort) and explaining that the famed Valtrex that leaked online that fateful January 2007 evening was simply “photoshopped,” an Internet hoax made by someone with too much free time.

Myself also being someone on the Internet with too much free time, I couldn’t argue that.

Instead of pressing for details on Shanna Moakler and Brian Quintana’s ol’ Hilton herp-allegations…

… Paris and I called a truce and she wished me a very nice opening - with lots of emojis.

[L:“Tyra Banks Was Rooting For You” - Valerie Petrov R:“Naomi” - Derek Covington Smith]

Anyways, I spent most of the night doing interviews and greeting loyal PCD2009 readers who tearfully told me how this blog changed their life - kidding, they just told me that I’m funny sometimes.

[L:“Winona” - Valerie Petrov R:“Dear Justin” - PopAesthete]

There was also some extra time to engage in detailed discourse over how Lizzie Grubman’s Hamptons road rage paved the way for our other favorite vehicularly-challenged party girls, and of course I had to lecture a few guests on the timeline of the torrid Saint Sienna/Jude Law relationship - and their many affairs along the way.

[L:“Cornicledog” - MAVA R:“Expecting The Sloppy Second” - MAVA]

All in all, it was a blast. There were also binders filled with semi-vintage tabloid articles, so you know where my eyes were geared most of the evening.

Today was the official public opening, so for my fellow New York gossips, make sure to stop by - and if you want to chat, let me know you’re coming a day ahead and I’ll be sure to pop in!

Where:1436 Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn NY

When:Wed - Sun, 12PM - 7PM

The exhibit closes September 10th. More information here.

And in others news, I was featured in Vanity Fair!

I’d ask if this is how Alexis Neiers felt, but we all know how that went down.

At least Nancy Jo can still have a good laugh about it!

You can call but I can’t promise I’ll pick up

— Nancy Jo Sales (@nancyjosales) July 29, 2017

Special thanks to Matt Harkinz& Viviana Olen, owners of the THNK1994 Museum, for reaching out to me and allowing this awesome collaboration to happen to begin with!

StarMarch 26, 2007

Kevin Federline’s MySpace, April 2006

E! axed The Simple Life… and swapped it with a new reality show.

On July 30th, Us Weekly broke the news that the network had canned Paris Hilton& Nicole Richie’s longtime series, citing the starlets’ media overexposure and Richie’s “diva” behavior as the final straw - and fans weren’t pleased:

But that night, Hilton’s ex-BFF Kim Kardashian would drop a bombshell of her own.

At the MySpace-sponsored InspiRED Event at Mood, Kardashian dished to E! News that she and her family were set to star in a “reality version” of The Brady Bunch:

“We’re all so different! Khloe’s, like, hysterical and says these ridiculous things. Kourtney is such a bitch. I’m in between. Brody’s so wild. The two little ones are adorable…It’s just such a good mix.”

One bit of information the D-List darling wouldn’t spill, though, was which network would carry the show - but within a week, E! paved way on their website for a slick announcement:

On August 8th, three days after The Simple Life’s finale, the network confirmed Ryan Seacrest had teamed up with the show’s executive producers for an untitled “comedy” starring Kardashian & co - slated for an October premiere.

Would Kim find as much success as her party girl predecessors? Only time would tell!

PETA protests Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, August 2007

In TouchFebruary 4, 2008