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This Week In 2007

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Nicole confirms the worst-kept secret in Hollywood.

Is she, or isn’t she?

And could it even be physically possible?

In the tabloid saga of Nicole Richie, one strange story would stand out from the rest… and it would become one of the few to actually be true.

In between the weekly covers highlighting protruding bones and a new, shrinking weight, the Enquirer would bizarrely allege that the hard-partying starlet was actually with child.

Really?

Amidst the frenzy surrounding the reality star’s disastrous Memorial Day weekend, a shot of Richie barefoot and outfitted in a baggy orange dress would spearhead a rumor that would last through the summer… but not everybody was convinced.

While some gossip site commenters simply responded, “I don’t see it,” another shot back: “She probably ate a raisin and bloated.” But unlike most Tinseltown rumors, Nicole’s supposed baby bump would only grow with the coming weeks - and one by one, the nonbelievers would start changing their tune.

Just as fast as the baby buzz began, Richie would add fuel to the fire with a May 30th appearance at a Beverly Hills reproductive clinic.

After an hourlong visit, a smiling Nicole exited the office in the company of an employee, and cameras eagerly snapped away.

As blogs reported the surprise sighting, the rumor mill would switch into high-gear, and the once ludicrous Enquirer headline would become fact.

She refused all alcohol,Page Six claimed of a YSL party cameo, meanwhile In Touch buzzed about a quiet trip to a Glendale Barnes & Noble where Richie and rumored baby daddy Joel Madden lurked the children’s section.

And as the sightings mounted, the onetime paparazzi magnet would begin to shy away from cameras, strategically shielding herself with everything from designer totes to a pillow.

But when, if ever, would The Simple Life star break her silence? Or at least fill in dad Lionel Richie?

As June came to a close and July entered full swing, the rumors would hit an all-time high.

Less than a week into the new month, In Touch and TMZ would publish independent confirmations of the news:

And Us Weekly would quickly jump on the baby train with a cover story of their own:

But as the media circus surrounding the party girl’s pregnancy continued, the subject of it all stayed surprisingly quiet.

It seemed like just yesterday Richie was staggering outside Winston’s, or sending expletive-laced Blackberry messages from the confines of Hyde, but now the starlet had gone into hiding, quietly surfacing in cities across America with Good Charlotte - but she wouldn’t leave L.A. without a bang.

Days before hitting the road with her boyfriend’s band, Nicole set gossip sites abuzz… again - this time by reportedly stopping by a Brentwood baby boutique: Petit Tresor.

But as fast as the media hopped on the supposed July 10th sighting, Joel fired back with a MySpace blog:

And then it was back to radio silence.

As the couple took their show on the road, speculation continued to build. While TMZ anticipated Richie’s looming DUI trial, Star wondered whether or not Nicole’s baby could stand a chance - considering mommy dearest’s wild past, and the Enquirer went as far to question whether or not Joel was even the father, throwing Brody Jenner, Steve-O, and DJ AM into the possible paternity ring.

But while Richie wouldn’t have to answer to the tabloids, she’d still have to face the law.

After countless delays, it was finally time for Nicole’s long-awaited court hearing.

As the starlet faced a judge over her 2006 arrest, Madden stood right by her side, and they were finally ready to tell all.

In between the buzz about the party girl’s sentencing, ABC confirmed that Richie was set to sit down with Diane Sawyer to answer all of our burning questions… and finally put an end to the summer of speculation.

While the three-part special was set to air on Good Morning America and 20/20 the following week, the network released a preview of the interview on July 31st, confirming what everybody already knew: Yes, she’s pregnant.

Facing the cameras alongside Joel, Nicole revealed she was four months along… and now completely drug-free:

And when slammed with questions about her troubled past, Richie responded that she’d finally put it all behind her and wanted to set a good example for her baby-to-be.

But Sawyer wouldn’t be the only one scoring a scoop, the same day the interview preview was released, OK! gave the Internet a peek at their next cover story - an exclusive chat with Nicole about her sentencing and impending motherhood:

Inside, the starlet dished on everything from her looming stint in the slammer to a possible wedding, but readers - along with the rest of the celebrity-obsessed public - were left wondering: Has the future mother really changed her ways?

Only time would tell!

Gifs: batfleckwayne


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If any of my PCD2009 readers worked at a tabloid magazine or gossip site between the years 2004 -...

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If any of my PCD2009 readers worked at a tabloid magazine or gossip site between the years 2004 - 2009 and would be willing to answer some questions for a piece I’m working on, please drop me a message at: popculturediedin2009@gmail.com

All identities will remain anonymous, of course. Thanks!

Star January 22, 2007

Harry Whittington apologizes for being shot by Dick Cheney,...

Random Celeb Stuff

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Xenu loves Trump, Seacrest gets punched, Carter drama, and an Usher herpes roundup.

Don’t Sleep With Usher

I’m trying to resist making a Parasite Hilton joke, I really am.

Anyways, in case you’re behind, Usher’s recently been outed as a member of Hollywood’s not-so-exclusive STD society - thanks to a recently unearthed lawsuit!

In legal documents obtained by Radar Online, an unidentified woman slapped the singer with a suit after he lied about being STD-free.

The woman - later outed as Maya Fox Davis, a bridesmaid at the singer’s 2007 wedding to Tameka Foster - claimed that during their short-lived fling, she noticed Usher had a “greenish discharge” oozing from his penis - but he told her it was no biggie.

Three weeks into their condom-free romp, though, Davis woke up feeling “sick” with “blisters in her vagina” - causing her to seek urgent care and promptly being diagnosed with herpes.

And the singer later settled with Maya for a cool million in 2012:

But it gets worse.

After word broke of the settlement, another woman who slept with Usher back in April filed a $10 million suit of her own after he supposedly lied about his herpes… again - but Jane Doe’s now upped the price an extra ten after getting an STD test last week and finding out that Usher hadn’t just exposed her - he ended up infecting her, too!

Oh, and let’s toss in three more suits while we’re at it:

Our favorite attorney, Lisa Bloom, is now representing two more women - and a man - in their own cases against the singer, alleging that they all slept with Usher after 2012 without a fair Herp-warning.

This is going to get ugly… and I’m excited!

Aaron Carter Roundup

With all of the Mischa Bartoncraziness this year, I’ve totally dropped the ball on one of our other favorite trainwrecks - that’s right, Aaron Carter.

Once upon a time, you couldn’t type in my URL without being greeted with a dozen tales of AC’s STD-ridden romps with barely legal sorority girls, or his bimonthly Twitter meltdowns over everything from ATM receipts to his love life - wait, remember his romance with Chris Crocker?

Ahh, it’s truly been a journey.

But that’s why we’re long overdue for a Carter roundup - and thankfully, we have a good ol’ DUI to hook us back in!

On July 15th, the 7/11 parking lot crooner was busted en route to a Kansas City concert.

First thing’s first - he booked a stage? I’m as surprised as you are.

But alas, somewhere in the heart of Georgia - Cornelia, to be exact - Aaron was caught by cops swerving along the 385 like crazy, and soon enough he was cuffed and tossed in a holding cell - tweeting to his tens of fans that he couldn’t make the evening’s show due to “transportation issues”:

That’s an understatement.

Anyways, details were fuzzy at first. Aside from the DUI charge, Carter was also booked on pot possession:

Alongside his girlfriend Madison Parker, whom he met on Instagram:

And by midday Sunday, their meth-tastic mugshots hit the web:

So what’s the story?

According to a Twitter statement from Aaron, he wasn’t drunk at all - his tire was just out of alignment and he was heading to an AutoZone to get it fixed:

But he also claims that he was promoting his “hit single” and was only targeted by cops because of his “celebrity"… so it’s safe to say drugs totally fried his brain.

Not long after the statement, though, TMZ reported AC was considering legal action against the county cops - claiming he wasn’t even in the car during the arrest, and there’s surveillance footage to prove it… but the police report disagrees.

According to the Habersham County Sheriff’s deputy, Aaron was only spotted pulling into the AutoZone long after an alert went out for someone in an ‘05 Chevy Suburban ”driving all over the road and running into the median.“

Once the deputy approached Carter, they observed his ”eyes to be blood shot and watery with a glazed look to them“ - and then during a subsequent field sobriety test, Aaron talked to himself, lost his balance, swayed, and had some funky ”body tremors“ in his arms and legs.

Cue a freakout from Madison, and then the deputy found a glass pipe and small baggie of weed in her purse.

Young love.

In addition, TMZ reported that hours before the DUI bust, Aaron stopped by a Walmart in Commerce, Georgia after blowing out a tire on his Chevy Suburban. Carter couldn’t pay the repair bill, though, so he said he’d phone his manager - but employees were worried he’d try to ditch without paying… so someone called the cops:

After talking to officers, a ”fan“ who watched the incident go down offered to pay Aaron’s $110 bill if he gave her an autograph and took a picture.

Condolences to that fan.

Anyways, after news of the arrest broke, Aaron took to Twitter to slam the gossip surrounding his latest fuck-up - and dragged Michael Jackson into this, for some reason:

And he also wants you to know that he’s totally not on meth, crack, or heroin - he’s just aging like any 29-year-old should:

And his publicist backed up the lie, telling People that beyond marijuana, Carter’s never tried any “hard drugs.” Uhh, sure.

Funnily enough, a week prior to the vehicular snafu, Aaron dissed fellow washed-up racist child star Shia LaBeouf for his own drunken arrest, claiming that he doesn’t roll that way:

You spoke too soon, bud.

But Aaron continues to deny the rumors, sitting down with Entertainment Tonight to uncomfortably sob and claim it’s physically impossible for him to drink:

And as of yesterday, he’s now openly bisexual!

Last night, AC took to Twitter to broadcast the fact he likes guys and girls - as if the flurry of Carter encounters over here at PCD2009 didn’t already blow that secret. And to add onto the breaking news, Aaron and his partner-in-meth, Madison, are officially dunzo!

I hope that he can finally shack up with Ryan Cabrera now:

You two were destined for each other.

President Cruise?

In case you’ve ever wondered what alien-worshippers think of Donald Trump, Leah Remini’s got you covered.

In a recent interview with TheWrap, the American hero dished on Scientology’s political leanings, claiming that during her days in the cult there were often meetings amongst Xenu’s children to discuss which way to vote - and big shocker, they usually settled on anyone pro-Scientology.

During the 2016 election, one of the only Los Angeles precincts to vote for the reality star was a Scientology-packed neighborhood - the reason? Donald’s vow to “totally destroy” the Johnson Amendment, which would allow Scientology to get involved in politics without their tax-exempt status being threatened - so I guess we should be gearing up for Tommy’s 2020 run!

The Greatest Tabloid Article Of 2017

Pack your bags Us Weekly, since Star just won the game.

It’s rare that an article delivers on every single level imaginable, but Star did that - and more:

I mean, where do I even begin?

First off, you have Greasy Bear/Fat Elvis (Pick your poison) hanging out with Jaclyn Smith’s random ass spawn:

And then you have Seacrest popping in, uninvited, and getting socked in the process - also, kudos to his descriptor being “bland.” Well played, Star… well played.

Oh, and to top it off, you have this all going down at the very same hotspot where Wonky McValtrex partied after her… uh, “miscarriage"… that same year:

I wish Star still listed the authors after their articles like they used to back in the day, since I want to send whoever wrote this a fruit basket. Thank you for single-handedly reminding me why I still subscribe to tabloids in 2017.

Tabloids

Some articles from the recent issues of Life & Style, People, Us Weekly, OK!, In Touch, National Enquirer, and Star:

Life & Style

People

In Touch

OK!

Star

Us Weekly

National Enquirer

Random Tidbits

- Rosie wants you to push Trumpoff a cliff.

- Inside celebrity prison coaching.

- Corey Feldmanmade history.

- Liz Hurleyand David Foster?

- Paul Marcianotalks Anna Nicole.

- Wife beater summit! Johnny Depp and Charlie Sheen hang out.

- Papa Joe is cancer-free!

- Tara Reid is gunning for an Oscar.

- Tori Spelling vs. Benihanacontinues.

- Carmen Electrahas a stalker.

- Kate Beckinsale, too.

- Don’t expect an invite to Halle Berry’s birthday party.

- La Lohan is broke, forgotten, and probably robbingHilary Duff.

- Summer Robertssings!

- Sugartitsno longer owns Malibu.

- Linda Trippstill exists.

- R. Kelly is in crisis mode.

- Whitney Portfinally popped.

- And in other news, guess who scored a fun little mention in The New York Times!

PCD2009: 1Donald: 0

Daily Mirror September 15, 2005

honest mistake regis 


This Week In 2007

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Britney hits a car, threatens to kill someone, and develops a lollipop obsession.

I’m a braniac,Britney Spears shouted after plowing into a parked car.

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Instead of leaving a note, the pop star flung open her Mercedes door, knelt down and examined the damage: “Yeah, it’s nothing.

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And then she walked away.

It wouldn’t be until the following morning that the car’s owner would learn the source of their mysterious scratch - thanks to a reporter waiting at their door - and by August 9th, a police report was filed… Britney later being charged with hit and run.

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But the incident would mark just another day in the strange summer of Spears.

As fast as glossies raced to report the star’s OK! photo freakout and raging family feud, the Britney saga would take even more twists and turns… thanks to a surprise trip to Sin City.

In the dead of night, Spears whisked her entourage and two boys away to Vegas on July 25th for a stay at the Wynn.

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There was one catch, though: she wasn’t allowed.

As per her 50/50 joint custody agreement with Kevin Federline, the singer needed written permission before taking her kids out of state… which she failed to obtain. And to make a a bad situation even worse, her presence didn’t go unnoticed.

After spending the morning of July 26th at the hotel’s spa, the paparazzi magnet wandered back into the lobby with Jayden James, while bodyguard Julio Camera held Sean Preston.

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As a pack of photographers congregated, one snapper - Kyle Henderson - got a little too close, bumping into Camera and sending the Spears staffer tumbling… with the child still in his arms.

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Quickly, an infuriated Brit snatched Sean away and let Camera go on the attack - the bodyguard tackling the photographer as the pop star tossed a baby bottle, screaming: “I am going to fucking kill you!

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As hotel security raced to break up the brawl, Camera set his sights on another Flynet recruit - Andrew Deetz - and continued the attack… all the while his boss Britney warned that they better get a restraining order against her, since if she didn’t kill them, she’d hire someone that would.

After Wynn staffers placed a 311 call, the melee shifted to citations galore - Camera being slammed with misdemeanor battery, while Spears filed a report against Henderson on Sean Preston’s behalf.

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But that’d hardly be the end of it.

As the starlet ditched the Vegas Strip for Sunset, her ex-husband pow-wowed with divorce lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan, sending gossip sites abuzz with rumors that K-Fed was ready to chase full custody of his two boys.

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But if Britney was supposed to be worried, she sure didn’t seem it.

As soon as Spears returned to Hollywood following her disastrous Vegas vacay, the party girl wasted no time in hopping back on the club circuit, raising eyebrows at Winston’s with Sotheby’s agent Justin Mandile:

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And then returning to the club nights later with a new man, Billy Armstrong:

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But one thing stayed oddly consistent between Spears’ late-night appearances… lollipops.

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While several tabloids alleged Britney’s oral fixation was yet another drug trick, the lollipops being Fentanyl-laced, a source told X17 that the story behind her candy obsession was quite simple, actually - she just got them for free inside clubs.

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But even if her choice of a sweet treat wasn’t too scandalous, the pop star would make up for it with even stranger behavior in the coming days. Between darting out the Chateau Marmont after learning the only table available was next to Victoria Beckham to wrapping a scarf around her face at a gas station…

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… nothing really seemed to make sense in the world of Britney.

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And while Spears’ slew of strange behavior failed to make good press, one Hollywood onlooker thought it’d make decent reality TV instead.

She’s a fucking mess, and that little reality show she had did nothing - but she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great,Donald Trump told Page Six of his plans to get Britney on the inaugural season of The Celebrity Apprentice.

And oddly enough, MTV seemed to agree.

While the pop star’s music career had taken a backseat to her camera-ready antics, the network that propelled her to stardom saw her fit for a comeback, with several sites buzzing that Spears was set to open the 2007VMAs

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But was Britney really ready to return to the stage? We’d have to wait and see!

Gifs:batfleckwayne

Michael Jackson leaves a shopping mall in Bahrain, January 2006

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Michael Jackson leaves a shopping mall in Bahrain, January 2006

Star November 12, 2007

Teen Choice Awards 10 Years Ago

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Here’s what the Teen Choice Awards looked like in 2007!

Hilary Duff and Nick Cannon hosted:

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And some of the attendees included Chingy:

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Sophia Bush and the cast of Superbad:

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LC and Ceiling Eyes:

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Fergie performing Big Girls Don’t Cry:

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Jordin Sparks:

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Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers:

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Larry Birkhead, since teens love Anna Nicole’s post-mortem paternity battle:

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Sum 41:

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Introducing Avril Lavigne, of course:

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Zanessa:

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Sean Kingston:

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And Nikki Blonsky from the movie Hairspray™:

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David Spade:

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Who was fearful of Zac Efron’s power:

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Jessica Alba and Dane Cook:

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Sanjaya, whose ol’ faux-hawk lost “Choice OMG! Moment” to bald Britney:

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Kelly Clarkson performing Never Again:

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Megan Fox:

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Snoop Dogg:

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Shia LaBeouf:

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And while nominee Lindsay Lohan couldn’t make it due to her third rehab stint of the year, the show still paid tribute to the fallen teen queen:

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Life & Style November 28, 2005

Random Celeb Stuff

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LC bombs, Avril’s new man, Aaron’s game plan, and Phil Spector’s new look!

Another Point For Team Speidi

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Lauren Conrad can’t sell magazines, apparently.

According to a recent Page Six report, LC’s recent People cover story - which I posted pictures of here - is on track to be the publication’s worst selling in history, racking up a measly 300K in sales.

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Damn, I’m sure even Ceiling Eyes could pull in bigger numbers.

The Many Loves Of J.R.

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I don’t know what it is with Avril Lavigne, but she seems to be perpetually stuck in the aughts - and who am I kidding, I love it!

Last Monday, the Motherfucking Princess™ was spotted out on the town with a new man on her arm, producer J.R. Rotem:

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The duo spent the evening at The Nice Guy before stumbling outside for X17 cameras… try and string together a more 2007 sentence, just try.

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Anyways, for my celeb-savvy readers, you might recall J.R. as Brit-Linds-Wonky’s old flame back in the day.

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The sisterhood of the traveling douche began in early 2006, when Rotem was enlisted as one of the many producers on Parasite’s self-titled debut. After dropping a few mildly warm tracks together, the two reportedly had a short-lived fling before things fizzled and he hopped on the post-divorce Britney train.

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After splitting with K-Fed, J.R. was one of the first guys a newly-single Brit Brit was spotted locking lips with as she worked on her next album…

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… but the new relationship allegedly angered her pal Wonky - and K-Fed, too, who quickly dropped Rotem from his MySpace friends list. Burn!

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Fast forward to 2007, Brit and J.R. are spotted together every now and then, he lies to a bunch of tabloids about knocking her up, and then he brags about fucking Brit “tractor style” to Blender… all before setting his sights on another player in the party girl trio: La Lohan.

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In December 2007, a thrice-rehabilitated Firecrotch was snapped stepping out with Rotem amidst rumors she was ready to take a breather from acting and focus on her other passion: music.

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The eyeroll-worthy duo recorded a few tracks together - Too Young To Die, Walka Not A Talka, etc. - before parting ways and Lilo resuming what she does best… which I’m not quite sure of?

Also, Wake Up Call chanteuse Hayden Panettiere was once spotted canoodling with Rotem outside Koi:

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Learning from her master, I see!

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As for J.R.’s current fling with Avril, insiders told E! News that the pair met in the studio and definitely share some “chemistry,” in addition to a “passion” for music… or wishing it was still 2006, probably both!

And their romance tour continued Saturday night with a trip to Delilah in West Hollywood:

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Do you approve of this new pairing?

Here’s J.R.’s old JDate profile, by the way:

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Hot or not?

Phil’s New Look

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Speaking of producers we haven’t thought about since 2007, how’s Phil Spector been holding up lately?

Well, last week Daily Mail released a new mugshot of the 77-year-old killer - and he’s bald!

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Oh, and he has hearing aids now, too.

It’s okay, Phil. You’ll be dead soon.

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Aaron’s Plan

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What happens when you’re barely scraping Billboard’s Bubbling Under and you’ve already given every barely legal sorority girl in the Bible Belt gonorrhea? Emergency rebranding!

Ever since coming out as bisexual last week and ditching his partner-in-meth, Aaron Carter’s been on a restless mission to win over the LGBTQ community and hopefully scrape together a few more coins in the process - let’s take a peek at his not-so-secret strategy!

1). Appearing on Will & Grace:

2). Collaborating with Hilary Duff:

3). Proclaiming “I’m a bisexual man” for no apparent reason during a performance at a Tampa Hamburger Mary’s:

4). And professing his love for Tom Hardy and Adam Lambert:

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Seems foolproof!

And in other news, I got a little inside scoop on AC’s ex-girlfriend, Madison Parker. Apparently before the two were an item, Maddie was not as tweaker-ish, and that she’s become a “completely different” person ever since shacking up with the trainwreck.

Long story short, it looks like you don’t want to accept an invite to Aaron’s party anytime soon.

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Good luck with the game plan, AC. Hope you’re already planning your 2018 Pride performance of I Want Candy!

Tabloids

Some articles from this week’s issues of OK!, People, Us Weekly, Life & Style, In Touch, Star, National Enquirer and Globe:

OK!

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Life & Style

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People

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Us Weekly

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Star

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In Touch

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Globe

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National Enquirer

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Random Tidbits

- Nicole Richie and Kim Kardashian: partners in crime.

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- The Jersey Shorereunion trailer is here.

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- Governor Miranda?

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- Nobody likes Omarosa.

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- And so it is! Katie Holmesis bringing The Secret to the big screen.

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- Celebrity Deathmatch: Leah Remini vs. Elisabeth Moss.

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- About that time a dog ate a heart on One Tree Hill

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- Is a King Of The Hill revival in the works?

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- Selena Gomezloves Woody Allen.

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- Anna Faris announces her divorce with an iMessage.

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- Check out this coconut water tribute to Jessica Alba!

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- Lori Loughlin’s daughter is big on YouTube, apparently?

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- Cokategoes topless, wants to procreate.

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- And on a random sidenote, I’ve been considering doing a true crime roundup for all of our favorite cases of the aughts - anybody interested? Let me know!

Anyways, hope you guys have a great week!

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Avril Lavigne leaves Hyde, October 2006

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Avril Lavigne leaves Hyde, October 2006


Lindsay Lohan’s MySpace, December 2008

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Lindsay Lohan’s MySpace, December 2008

I haven’t done a #dirt post in ages, so I feel it’s time for a revival. Start sending in your...

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I haven’t done a #dirt post in ages, so I feel it’s time for a revival. Start sending in your uncomfortable celeb encounters!

This Week In 2007

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The Hills war heats up.

One of the cardinal rules of Sun Tzu’s Art Of War is to avoid what is strong and “strike at what is weak” - and if Lauren Conrad’s beef curtains is what is weak, then Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have their battle strategy down to a tee.

As the third season of The Hills loomed, the seemingly-dormant feud between its most talked about stars reemerged… and became nastier than ever.

To promote the anticipated August 13th premiere, Conrad, Audrina Patridge, and Whitney Port sat down with Us Weekly to dish on the drama to come, and their feelings about the show’s so-called “villains” Montag and Pratt.

From Heidi’s plastic surgery to her rumored engagement to Spencer, the girls sounded off and left nothing off the table for a six-page cover story that left Lauren’s estranged pal red-faced and ready for revenge.

After being notified of the tabloid attack by his gossip-savvy grandmother, Spencer took to his website to respond to Conrad’s claims, and he didn’t mince words:

As for the source of the oft-repeated “beef curtains,” the term’s ties to LC span back to April 2007 when blogger Perez Hiltonbroke the news of the reality star’s rumored sex tape - making note of her “overly large girly bits.”

But a cyber tirade would be far from Pratt’s only attack on his TV costar.

The following day, Spencer and Heidi appeared on Philadelphia’s Q102, labeling LC a “psycho” and “lowlife,” desperately using the lovebirds for attention.

But while Conrad would appear on the station days later to defend herself, the controversial couple would continue their retaliation with a cameo on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM:

In spite of their anger, though, the duo seemed all smiles during a late-night trip to Koi:

But the war was just getting started.

As dueling radio and magazine interviews flooded the web, MTV executives feared for the safety of the show’s stars and ordered an emergency media blackout to cool the rising tensions - but the network would allow Speidi one last appearance.

Rather than promote the show, MTV gave the couple a pass to promote Heidi’s developing music career, letting the troubled twosome return to KIIS-FM to drop the aspiring pop star’s first single.

While Montag had been in the studio for months, dropping hints as to the sound of her potential record - dishing to Us Weekly of a Depeche Mode sample, later to be swiped by Hilary Duff - the song Seacrest would premiere on August 16th would be none other than Body Language:

But just as fast as the Yaz sample hit the airwaves, Heidi and Spencer told People that the song was just a “joke” and “not her single at all” - huh?

Unbeknownst to the couple, Warner Bros. executive Tommy Page accidentally sent the wrong track to Ryan, when the planned first single was actually another Montag/David Foster collaboration titled Blush - but it was too late.

While Speidi rushed to do damage control, commenters around the world took shots at the musical attempt, one blogger saying Pratt’s rap made Paula Abdul’s Skat Kat “sound like Tupac” - as another gossip questioned if listening to a song could “give you herpes” - I’m sure Pariswould know!

But it wouldn’t be long until the duo’s mortal enemy sounded off on Heidi’s latest venture, LC telling In Touch: “I promise you, I’ll never release an album! I don’t have [singing] talent, so I’m not going to pretend like I do.

Ouch! But one had to wonder, does Lauren have any talents?

As Heidi and Spencer continued to terrorize Tinseltown, Conrad found herself busy on the East Coast, shooting takes for The Hills and complaining to pals that she now has to work “five days a week” - what a struggle!

But it seemed like the vapid, camera-ready bickering made for decent TV, as the show’s third season premiere racked in a whopping 3.6 million viewers - becoming the highest rated program of the night and the biggest telecast of the year for MTV.

Good ratings wouldn’t cool the tensions between the network’s top stars, though.

As the war between Lauren, Heidi, and Spencer raged on, their closest confidantes raced to take sides.

In Conrad’s corner, Pratt’s ex-BFF Brody Jenner stayed firm - causing Spencer to describe the betrayal as if Dick Cheney ditched Dubya and began rolling with “Bin Laden in the club.” Uhh, did Bin Laden prefer Les Deux or Hyde?

Meanwhile, another surprising Team LC member came in the form of Lauren’s ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler - fresh out of rehab and already dishing to tabloids and radio stations:

Between challenging Pratt to a polygraph to ranting to Ryan Seacrest, Wahler wasted no time in joining his ex-girlfriend’s fight - and managed to steer clear of his typical racist and homophobic epithets. And on Speidi’s side, backup included Nana Pratt, proudly boasting a pin reading “I’m Spencer Pratt’s grandma” - in addition to the couple’s tens of fans, Montag taking to MySpace to advertise Team Heidi shirts:

But two can play at that game.

While Lauren shied away from any Team LC tees, she selected September 15th to debut her eponymous clothing line… Heidi’s birthday.

But by then, the couple had already grown weary of fighting reality stars and chose to take on some bigger targets: the government.

Amidst the storm of staged candids and exclusive interviews, Spencer told Us Weekly that he and Heidi had been taking political science classes at USC and that he’d already been eyeing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s spot as governor of California: “Heidi’s learning to be a first lady. She could be my Hillary Clinton!

In light of the past year, President Pratt doesn’t sound too bad now, does it?

Gifs:batfleckwayne

Kevin Federline’s MySpace, April 2006

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Kevin Federline’s MySpace, April 2006

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